Mom, I don't want to go to church

After posting on my "theme for 2014: surrender" in January, I have some follow up observations.

This is how I ended the post: "right away I was faced with having to Surrender something to God - or otherwise fret over it and try to control it.  My 12 year old daughter has developed a bad attitude about going to church with us, and when I questioned her more about it, she said she has no interest in the Bible or learning more about God or Jesus."

This is my struggle: facing a bad attitude every Sunday when I tell her it's time to get ready to go to church. She's bored there; she wants the time to pursue her own interests instead. I tell her that sometimes I don't like going to church either, and I try to be honest with God about that.  I admit to him, okay, I'm bored at church, but I don't want to be; give me a heart for worshipping you; give me a heart to look to your people today instead of myself and what I want.  I believe we should give a special time to God for worshiping him and learning about him with other believers. God gives us so much, I believe it's not too much to ask to give him and his people a couple hours of our undivided attention.

She's not impressed by my thoughts on this. Lately I've just wanted to give in, let her stay home. It's hard to face arguments about it every week; it threatens to drain my own enjoyment and worship at church. I don't like conflict. I'm not even going to try to talk about the difficulty of doing Bible study as part of our home school.

Why not just give up the fight? Why not let her go, stop controlling her? Completely surrender her?

Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

I think there's an important balance here, in this verse. We can't just give up having them do certain things because they don't like it, just like we don't let them stop going to school. God says its important to discipline and instruct them in His ways, which includes gathering with other believers.

But the other side of it is, don't exasperate them, don't provoke them.  I know I get exasperated when I feel like I'm being ignored. So I've been praying for patience to listen to my daughter and her complaints and her arguments.

Sometimes I even remember to use the powerful communication tool of repeating back her words, e.g. "so what I hear you saying is....[rephrase her arguments]... did I get that right? I want to understand your point of view." Even though she still has to go to church, I think it helps her frame of mind to know that I'm listening and valuing her frustrations about it.

But while I'm trying to patient and understanding on the outside, on the inside I'm fretting and crying with frustration. I've shared this frustration with my prayer group and I am strengthened and encouraged by their prayers, and also relieved when the older ladies share their own struggles with their children... I'm not alone. My husband also stands firm with me on this issue. It doesn't bother him like it does me; I'm more prone to fret on this than he is (he frets about other things, like the kids' safety).

So what it really boils down to is, fretting.

And God tells us not to fret... not to be anxious. To cast all our cares upon him. To surrender our fears to him. Ah yes, that theme of surrender, again.  Truly it is a daily thing.

Here are three things that help me keep my perspective (along with prayer, of course).

1) Remembering that I was adamantly opposed to the Bible and church for many years.  I resented when others tried to force their beliefs on me. I still remember how it feels. I still remember how I respected the Christians who were firm in their belief, and accepted me just as I was even though I disagreed with their beliefs. I will always, absolutely, accept and respect and love my daughter no matter if our beliefs remain different the rest of our lives.

2) The second thing is from Mere Christianity, where C.S. Lewis talks about the importance of church:

Enemy-occupied territory—that is what this world is. Christianity is the story of how the rightful king has landed, you might say landed in disguise, and is calling us all to take part in a great campaign of sabotage. When you go to church you are really listening-in to the secret wireless from our friends: that is why the enemy is so anxious to prevent us from going. He does it by playing on our conceit and laziness and intellectual snobbery. I know someone will ask me, "Do you really mean, at this time of day, to reintroduce our old friend the devil—hoofs and horns and all?" Well, what the time of day has to do with it I do not know. And I am not particular about the hoofs and horns. But in other respects my answer is "Yes, I do." 

3) And the third is this blog post I found,  http://adammclane.com/2010/10/18/when-your-kids-hate-church. I am cutting and pasting it on this blog to have a copy in case this post ever disappears (because that has happened before - I've gone back to find encouragement from an old post and the link leads nowhere!).  Attribution and full credit to Adam McClane.

My kids don’t get excited about going to church most Sundays. That’s putting a nice bow on it, isn’t it?
Let’s take the pretty bow off for the sake of this post.

They hate going to church.

Yesterday, I sat in the car with a child who refused to participate. Not all Sunday’ are like that. But sometimes the feet literally stop moving and the tears start flowing. It’s hard to look in your child’s eyes and see them tearfully say “please don’t make me go,” and then force them to go.
I can’t stomach it. That is, clearly, not the type of relational connection I want my children to have with Jesus.
To my dismissive friends– it’s not just our church. It’s pretty much any church we’ve tried out. Trust me, we tried to blame the churches we attended. It’s not their fault. And it’s been going on for a very long time. Yeah, they even hated churches I worked at.
I don’t know any other way to say it. They hate going to church.
[Insert our painfully banging of heads against the wall.]

As a parent I could get lost in the emotions of this. I mean, how is it that mom and dad can have a first love… Jesus and his church… and our kids aren’t loving what we love?
This is where the rational side of our brains takes over and comforts us.

• We don’t want them to fake it for our sake.
• We want to raise independent, critical thinkers. That includes giving them the freedom to question us within the boundaries of our authority over them.
• We believe Jesus wants to capture their heart, not their body. It’s OK if that takes time. Jesus’ offer to love the church stands the test of time, he is patient.
• We recognize that there is a difference between rejecting Jesus and not liking the action of going to church. They don’t hate Jesus, they hate going to church.
• We believe ultimately that it’s more important that the kids go to a church their parents love than one that the kids love and the parents tolerate. I find church strategies that try to hook parents with a McDonald’s approach to kids ministry often have equally crappy methodology elsewhere.
• We recognize that some of the reason they don’t like church is that daddy used to work at one, like 60+ hours a week. And repairing the equation that church equals dad loving other people’s kids and making other people’s kids a priority over them will take years to repair.
• We are willing to find expressions of church they might love. We’ve introduced Awana on Wednesday nights. It is is so developmentally appropriate for them that they are really digging it.....And this summer they will go to camp.
• We are willing to look in the mirror enough to recognize that being compliant at church does not equate to loving church. When I went to church as a child, I hated it and swore that I’d hate it forever.
• We aren’t going to give up simply because they don’t count down the days until Sunday. Their attitude towards church doesn’t drive us to make stupid decisions as parents. So it’s not like we’re going to stop going to church as a family.
• We are willing to lose the occasional battle for the sake of hopefully one day winning the war. That’s a crude way of saying we don’t force them to participate. We expect that they will, but allow them some ability to say no.

Maybe I’m not supposed to talk about this? Maybe writing this makes me look bad? Or maybe, just maybe, my kids are normal?

I am so thankful Adam took the time to write about this... and was willing to be transparent about his heartbreak and concern.

January gifts: teapots and testimony

Slowly catching up on all the blessings add to my 1000 gifts list. I write these on my calendar, and then as I have a chance I type them up to share here with more details, as a record for my family and another offering of thanksgiving to God. These are from January, 2014.

772. Glow pets
I was so desperate to finish a really good book (Eleanor and Park) that I commandeered Starlet's glow pet so I could keep reading in the car after it got dark, on our long drive to South Dakota to spend New Year's with B's family. Who knew a little kid's toy would come in so handy?

773. A knitted rose
I've never done any knitting, so it kind of surprised me when Blaze picked it up and actually finished some pretty long scarves. We found out about a 4H knitting group and know she's made all sorts of cool things, including a headband with a knitted rose (she taught herself how to make the rose from instructions off the internet) and a little knitted bunny.

774. A far away church with old friends
Our visit to the in-laws in South Dakota was really hard this time, because B's mom is getting so weak and is in so much pain, battling cancer.  Such a hard time, but found great spiritual encouragement from an old friend from Laramie, Lisa (M.) S.  who moved to the area... gave her a call and went to church with her and her family.

775. 1 Corinthians 15:58...your labor is not in vain.
When facing my first big test of 2014, I found great comfort in this verse: Always give yourselves fully to the Lord, because you know your labor in the Lord is not in vain

776. Packing teapots with a friend
My dear friend who lives in Colorado Springs (K.A.) shares my love of tea and books, and she has a big collection of teapots; I went down to help her pack for a move across town, and she, knowing how much I admire her collection, had me help her pack them up for the move... which was neat because I got to hear the story of each pot from her as we worked. Then she gave me my favorite one of the bunch.

777. Testimony at biker's church
During my visit with K.A. I also went to biker's church with her and her family. I just love how my friend is both an avid biker (leather coat with patches and everything) and also a collector of tea pots. While there we heard a soul-stirring testimony from one of the bikers of how Jesus saved him. 

778. Titanic in space
Read this wonderful book, These Broken Stars, which is similar in some aspects to the sinking of the Titanic - but set in space with a luxury space liner instead of an oceanliner.  Shared with my writer friend, N.L.W., how envious I am of writers who can take a famous story and put in a new setting or with some other new twist and turn it into a best seller. Then my friend shared a brilliant idea retelling of a classic story set in space, too! (maybe it will my turn next to get a good idea like this)

779. Remembering "see you in my dreams"
I already listed "see you in my dreams" (from the movie Crimson Tide) as a gift a couple years ago, but when my husband texted this to me again recently it melted my heart... that he remembered it

780. The "Mar" prayer team 
I have been making it to our ladies' prayer meeting Friday mornings (at 6:30 am!)  more often and one day the four of us "regulars" noticed that our names all started with M-a-r.  (Marilyn, Mariah, Margy, and my name). So we dubbed ourselves the Mar prayer team.

781. Wings in the Bible
We've been studying Ruth in my weekly Bible study, and Ruth 2:13 "May you be richly rewarded by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge" prompted me to look up other verses about wings in the Bible. I discovered some amazing things - enough I think I will write a separate post on them!

782.  Brilliant love light
I loved this imagery from Sarah Young's devotional, Jesus Lives:  "As you wait in the light of my [God's] presence, my love falls steadily upon you. In this brilliant love light you can sometimes catch glimpses of the glory revealed in my face" (2 Cor 4:6)

783. Christmas lights all year round
It's time to take down the Christmas tree, but I hung a strand of the Christmas lights in my bed room, to remind me that when we take our suffering, frustration or sorrow to God, He can permeate any darkness with His light

784. Your soul can understand more than your mind
This is another thing I loved from the devotional, Jesus Lives:  "Your soul can grasp matters that are too deep for your mind's understanding"

785. Postcards from Alaska
My stepdaughter has been getting postcards from a "beau" who lives in Alaska... and I drool over them almost as much she does (I've always wanted to go to Alaska!)

786. Wild Americans in their natural habitat
My stepdaughter has started making these funny short videos: my favorite one is where she adopts a Steven Irwin accent as he's stalking wild animals, as she talks about going "in search of wild Americans their its natural habitat" - and then reveals she's just entered Wal-mart. Made me laugh!

787.  Five years later, still waiting on a promise, still hopeful
I was reading through old posts here, and I came upon this one from 2009, "May this dream come true" - a dream about my parents coming to know the Lord - a real, living relationship. This hasn't come true yet, and who knows if it will happen like in my dream, but I will never lose hope.

Couldn't resist this picture of Blaze and Dreamer riding with two of Blaze's friends and the spread of mountains in the distance (horses: Strike, Rebel, Tuffy and Spring). Blaze has looked forward to Hailee's visit ever since she moved away last summer.

My theme for 2014: Surrender

In 2012  my theme for the year was Seeking God; in 2013 my theme was Prayer. As I shared last year about this time, I've always failed miserably with resolutions, but this idea of choosing just one thing as my theme for the year has had more results - especially since I started picking godly things for my theme.


Prayer has never been my strong point. I love studying the Bible and memorizing verses, but I would love to also be a prayer warrior, not a prayer weakling. I'm still on again, off again with prayer but having this as my theme last year did help significantly - as well as several really hard twists in our lives (in March, in April, and in June) that left me with no option except to pray. I kept up with it not quite daily but at least several times a week until I got ultra busy in the fall with home school.

Some major things from 2013:

1) My dad's Parkinsons disease taking over more and more and B.'s mom's cancer taking over more and more. God gave me an amazing witnessing opportunity with both my dad and mom, but I still don't have the fellowship with them as believers that I long for. Same with B's parents.

2) In 2012 I learned how freeing it is to not try to control people - namely my husband and teen stepdaughter, even a few situations with my younger daughters. 2013 really, REALLY challenged me again in this area.

3) Thanks to working the 12 steps and support of Overeaters Anonymous I lost 10 pounds in 2012 and another 10 pounds in 2013! - and kept it off! (though I confess Thanksgiving and Christmas I did slip up and regained 5 pounds; I've lost 3 pounds again so far in January).

4) Rediscovering an unresolved issue going all the way back to my teen years helped me identify and start working on a big issue I struggle with currently, having to do with honesty. Going through the 12 steps in OA meetings this year  helped me figure all this out, but interestingly, it was starting home schooling that indirectly helped curtail the problem.

5) Insecurity at church and work. The insecurity at work was also indirectly helped by homeschooling... too long of an explanation to share right now. The other insecurity still looms. It's not really church persay, but connecting with people there. A small revelation was "forced" upon me in June that I've been mulling over but not yet really acting on.

6)  I stayed depression-free! (two years now depression free). Thank you, vitamin D pills, but more importantly, thank you God for this great, great gift.

7) After years of debate, I started home schooling and discovered I loved it! (not sure if my girls quite "love it", but they're going along with it and I'm loving the extra time with them.

So now I come to my theme for 2014. Last month I started thinking about this and I think God impressed on me to choose Surrender (also, Humility. They're sort of related). I struggle with control, and I struggle with giving up my time, and I still struggle with eating when  I shouldn't  and what I shouldn't... all things that have to do with my will. This year I want to focus on surrendering my will to God's.

I feel like Surrender also encompasses my earlier themes of Prayer and Seeking God, too. 

No surprise, barely a week into the new year, I right away was faced with a tough situation I wasn't expecting... and was faced with having to Surrender something to God - or otherwise fret over it and try to control it.  My 12 year old daughter Blaze has developed a bad attitude about going to church with us, and when I questioned her more about it, she said she has no interest in the Bible, or in God or Jesus.

This is still so raw it's hard to write about it. I wanted to jump all over her and shake her and.... sigh... still can't write about this, except to say - Oh Lord! I surrender her to You.

1000 gifts: finishing the December challenge

Four new nutcrackers to add to my collection

I succeeded in my December challenge to add thirty one blessings to my 1000 gifts list,  one for each day.  But then again, saying "I succeeded" is a misnomer; I believe it's God that opens my eyes to see his blessings...

756.  "This is My Wish": beautiful Christmas song by Jordan Sparks

757. All six of us snuggled up on the couch watching a movie

758. Compliments from an agent on my novel
The agent "passed" on my novel, but she did give it three very nice compliments! so I am not at all discouraged.

759.  Our souls are bigger...
Dreamer told me she believes our souls are much bigger than our bodies. How big? I asked her. As big as a barn! They have to squish down to fit inside of us. I loved this idea.

760. A horsey Christmas party
B.'s roping buddies had a Christmas party and then my English riding club also had a party with a white elephant gift exchange. Many horsey-themed gifts - I actually won a really nice horse blanket!

761. Gratitude changes everything
Something that struck my heart at my O.A. meeting today: "you can get a gift, but you only really receive a gift if you receive it with gratitude"

762. Christmas tree lights in  our church window
I always drive by our church on my way home, and I love seeing the lights of the church's giant Christmas tree shining through the windows at night.

763. Singing every night before bed
With all the busyness of the Christmas season, sometimes its hard for me to feel that special Christmas magic and wonder, but one thing that really recaptures it for me is taking time each night to sing Christmas carols. I sit in the hallway between the girls' rooms and sing a couple songs to them out of my "Forty Favorite Christmas Carols" book - I handcopied these carols into this notebook when I was 14, and illustrated some of the pages too. Now almost 30 years later, this old notebook has become a great treasure to me.

764. Unexpected help wrapping presents
I always leave most of my present wrapping until last thing on Christmas Eve after the kids are in bed. B. helped me for a while, then went to bed himself. I didn't mind; I had my favorite Christmas carols playing and a beautiful Christmas tree to enjoy. But then after a half hour B. came back down and helped some more, he said he just enjoyed the time with me

765.  Animals at the table for a Christmas tea party
Mom always gives the girls stuffed animals for one of their Christmas presents; this year she had the animals all arranged at the dining room table as if they were just waiting for the girls to join them for a Christmas tea party

766. The Platters' old songs
Not Christmas music at all, but what I loved most about this Christmas was that my Dad was so happy (since being housebound, he's been so depressed this past year). It's been forever since we played any of our old favorite albums, so I was delighted when he asked me to put some of our favorites on: The Way You Look Tonight (sung by Bing Crosby), and Smoke Gets in Your Eyes (the Platters).

767. A new Christmas bookstore tradition
Last year I so enjoyed spending a couple hours at the bookstore browsing and picking out three books for Christmas, which B. then bought for me - so I asked him if we could do the same thing this year for my Christmas present. Here's the books I picked this year (he also bought be a new camera for Christmas too!)

  
768. Christmas mugs
I love collecting mugs, and while Christmas shopping this year I found some mugs that I really liked, so I bought them and then gave them to Blaze and Dreamer to "give" to me as Christmas presents. I mean, it's not like they are old enough to go shopping themselves for mugs for me, right? I also "gave" myself  (via the twins) a fancy dark chocolate bar and a pack of notecards with a beautiful globe on the front of the cards (I love artistic maps and globes!)

769. Christmas calendars
My mom made a beautiful calendar for B. and I, and also B.'s parents (whom we are visiting now for a late Christmas, and New Year's Eve). Each month has pictures of the girls - some pictures I've never seen before and some older pictures I'd forgotten about! And another fun calendar she showed me was a collection of Norman Rockwell paintings, some of which I'd never seen before. This painting of Santa planning his route with a big map really tickled my fancy, since I'm a map-maker and all-around map lover.

770. Come Now Our King, song by Chris August
 Bethlehem turns in tonight
A town led up by candle light
All the children tuck in tight
Bethlehem turns in tonight

The angels start their whispering
About the one they're welcoming
No one knows what's soon to be
As the angels start their whispering

They sing glory
In the highest
Come now our King
We've been waiting
Come now our King

Silence falls
Yet once again
The shepherds leave for Bethlehem
Baby's cry soon welcomes them
Silence falls yet once again

Glory, Oh glory
You came here to save
Ooh Lord, we've been waiting so
Come now our King

Now my night has turned today
An empty manger, empty grave
Baby born so I could say
Now my night has turned today

Ooh, We sing glory in the highest
Come now our King, oh ooh
We've been waiting, waiting for you
Come now our king

 771. A Hallelujah Christmas, song by Cloverton
I've always loved the original song by Leonard Cohen, but when I heard this Christmas version of the song, my love soared to new heights.

I've heard about this baby boy
Who's come to earth to bring us joy
And I just want to sing this song to you
It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
With every breath I'm singing Hallelujah
Hallelujah

A couple came to Bethlehem
Expecting child, they searched the inn
To find a place for You were coming soon
There was no room for them to stay
So in a manger filled with hay
God's only Son was born, oh Hallelujah
Hallelujah

The shepherds left their flocks by night
To see this baby wrapped in light
A host of angels led them all to You
It was just as the angels said
You'll find Him in a manger bed
Immanuel and Savior, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

A star shown bright up in the east
To Bethlehem, the wise men three
Came many miles and journeyed long for You
And to the place at which You were
Their frankincense and gold and myrrh
They gave to You and cried out Hallelujah
Hallelujah

I know You came to rescue me
This baby boy would grow to be
A man and one day die for me and you
My sins would drive the nails in You
That rugged cross was my cross, too
Still every breath You drew was Hallelujah
Hallelujah
 

1000 gifts: December challenge

child-like wonder

I noticed during November this year that some friends were listing things they were thankful for on each day. Such a good idea! November is NaNoWriMo craziness for me (National Novel Writing Month), but I decided to try a list like this for December. In May this year I had a record month with my 1000 Gifts list, twenty one additions to my list. Why not try for thirty one in December? I would LOVE for God to open my eyes to see a blessing every day, it brings a deeper joy to the Christmas season.

741.   Stars' adventures in Europe (Nov 30)
My stepdaughter Stars has spent the last two months in Europe, and came home the day before Thanksgiving. She stayed with a friend in Germany, and did some hosteling to London, Paris, Amsterdam, and Austria while she was there. And this is what she brought home for me from London - two of my favorite things:  a mug from across the sea, and English tea!

And this was what she wrote me, on a postcard  from Austria:

742.   prayers for healing and Luke 18:10-13, a sinner's prayer (Dec. 1)

Thanksgiving with B's sister and her husband, discovered they are both believers and had some great conversations with them.  B asked if everyone could gather around his mom, lay hands on her and pray for healing, since her cancer continues to spread. Afterwards, she told us she has been praying the tax collector's humble prayer, "Lord  have mercy on me, a sinner."

743. Finishing my book and interest from agent (Dec. 2)
I used NaNoWriMo as motivation to finish my book this year; I didn't finish until today instead of November 30 but the main thing is, I FINISHED! I have a complete book! I wrote the rough draft last year and this whole year I've been re-writing it. Seeing it all finally come together, all the pieces finally in place - I can't describe the feeling of fulfillment. Just in time too because when I submitted my first page to an online contest, an agent requested that I send her my full manuscript.

744. Help with birthday preparations (Dec 3)
Having Blaze and Dreamer home instead of in school was really nice today as they helped me decorate the house for the twins' birthday and bake over 40 cupcakes (the one disadvantage of having twins in two separate classes).  I know it's a blessing too that the twins are 7 years old now, but I'm sad
they're not my babies anymore.

745. Fairy homes in Christmas ornaments (Dec 4)
We brought up our "early tree" today (we have a fake tree that we put upstairs which I call our "early tree" because it helps us get an early, easy start with our Christmas decorations, since I don't usually have time to get a real tree until later in the month).  Dreamer says that fairies like to live inside Christmas ornaments, which I thought was a brilliant idea (might write a story about that some day).

746. Our horses playing in the backyard (Dec 5)

747.  All nighter writing/editing (Dec 6)
Last round of edits to polish the book up to send to the agent - sometimes all nighters are fun!

748. Discovering old Christmas music, new to me (Dec 7)
Pat-a-Pan, O Magnum Mysterium, Bolero drummer boy at the Christmas festival and University symphony

749. Blaze found the perfect Christmas verse (Dec 8)
Was looking for a good verse to share in my Sunday school class, and Blaze found it for me: Matt 1:21  She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.

750. Dreamer says there's "One undiscovered place left in the world"  (Dec 9)
 "where's that?"  "the garden of Eden"

751. Neighborhood Christmas tree store (Dec 10)

752. Kitty paws under the door (Dec 11)

753.  Blaze's new friend (Dec 12)
Been praying for another friend for her, she's missed Hailee so much since her family moved away (we've missed her too!) but so happy about new friend Olivia

754. Santa's redneck brother on the radio (Dec 13)
Makes B smile - I love his smile

755.  Singing Christmas hymns at church and an old favorite: Be Thou My Vision (Dec 14)
Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light

Be thou my wisdom and Thou my true word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord
Thou my great Father, I, Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one

Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou are

High King of heaven my victory won
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's Sun
Heart of my own heart whatever befall
Still be my vision O Ruler of all 

1000 gifts: a sunset rainbow

Finally catching up on all the blessings add to my 1000 gifts list. I write these on my calendar, and then as I have a chance I type them up to share here with more details, as a record for my family and another offering of thanksgiving to God. These are my blessing for November, 2013. And something I forgot to add to this my original list; over a year later I remembered some special things from our Thanksgiving in Kansas, staying at my sister-in-law's house in Goddard, near Wichita.

One of the last things the girls were able to do with Grandma B. before the cancer got too painful for her was making bead jewelry. Aunt Melissa and Aunt Crystal set up all their bead boxes and supplies, and Joy brought her set as well, and we all spent a couple afternoons with the girls helping them make necklaces, bracelets and earrings. (I made a set of earrings and a necklace, too). Then, after Thanksgiving when we were getting ready to leave, another surprise: Aunt Melissa gave Blaze her a jewelry making set, complete with tools and three large boxes of assorted beads - at least 100 different kinds of bead sets and separators and charms and jewels. And Aunt Crystal gave all four girls beautiful wooden jewelry boxes. But most precious of all was that time with Grandma B and our family.

723. Dreamer's "sunset rainbow"
Our living room has three full length windows facing west with a view of the Laramie valley and Snowy Range mountains in the distance - perfect place to view our magnificent Wyoming sunsets. One night Dreamer and I were looking at such a vibrant sunset that Dreamer said it was like a "sunset rainbow."  The term was intriguing that I googled it, and did indeed find sunsets with nearly rainbow colors. But can a setting sun create a rainbow?  I did find a couple intriguing photos, like this one:

724. Pretty face paint
This was actually in October for Halloween, but better late than never!

725. Blaze made her own pilgrim costume

726. The words finally flowing again
I had a slow start with NaNoWriMo - didn't start until day 4. (Homeschool is crazy time-consuming). Then words finally began to flow... felt so good to finally have the story come alive again to me.

727. First page accepted to Baker's Dozen contest
I debated about entering this writing contest because even though you only submit your first page, it requires a complete manuscript because it showcases finished projects to agents; and my plan was to finish my science fiction manuscript for NaNoWriMo this year (only had 5 chapters left, but still!) The deadline was November 7, and I decided if I could get 5000 words written by then, I would be close enough to done. I made my deadline and submitted and was one of 30 young adult manuscripts selected for the showcase to 13 agents!

728. Encouragement to continue home schooling 
Blaze has been acting depressed and listless and says she misses school. Called up my homeschooling friend K.A. and got lots of encouragement and reasons to continue homeschooling.

729. Started a Bible timeline poster for home school
I wanted a really BIG timeline, it stretches the entire length of our hallway and we have plenty of room to add pictures and notes and even play search & find games on it

730. Reading the Silver Chair to the girls out loud
More than any of the other books in the Chronicles of Narnia we've read so far, this one mirrors so many Scriptural principles, in almost every scene. I had forgotten all about the Bism, the deep world with living jewels. And what happened to King Caspian in Aslan's country (heaven).

731. One lone tree still has its golden leaves
I've walked past this tree hundreds of times on my way to work, but I never noticed it before because it's hidden behind a clump of dark evergreens. But one evening a shaft of the setting sun struck it and "set it on fire" and I realized it still had all its golden leaves, weeks after all the other trees had lost theirs

732. Cowboy church and devotionals
B. and Blaze went to Cowboy church at the Billings horse sale, and they were giving away free Bibles and devotionals. B. has been reading the devotional almost every night and sharing parts of it with me. It's called God Wants You To Win! Vol. II by Jeff Copenhaver (I'm going to need a whole separate post to talk about this, the title at first set off warning bells and I was afraid this was a "health and wealth gospel" kind of book, but it's not)

733. Having a nice van again
I drive a 2006 Chevy Uplander and I absolutely love it (never thought I would like a mini van, but miracles happen). Only bad thing about it is I hit a post backing up a few years ago, and have a bad dent in the tail gate. But B. found a new lift gate for it at a junkyard - same color and everything. Only thing the gate was from a Buick Terraza, so my van has a mixed identity now!

734. Tiropetas
I made these little Greek pastries for Mom and Dad's 49th anniversary... haven't made them in years but one of my favorites growing up along with spanakopita

735. "My mom's my best friend"
Dreamer told me about a teen on Disney channel that said "my mom's my best friend, I don't care if other teens think that's lame." She said she always wanted to be like that, too

736. Jeremiah 31:21 
"Set up road signs; put up guidepoists. Take notes the highway, the road that you take" for when Israel will return from the land of the enemy. When we are going through a tough time, we should set up signs and guides (sort like stones of remembrance) because the Lord will bring us back to the good places again.

737. Rediscovering Jeremiah 31:3 
"I have loved you with everlasting love; I have drawn you with lovingkindness" I had forgotten about this neat verse until I saw it again recently; years ago I read C.S Lewis' interpretation in one of his books (wish I could remember which one): of the master sculptor who will not finish chipping away at his masterpiece until it is perfected, a different drawing us in lovingkindness

738. Proverb 4:1, gleams of light
"The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day."  From  Jesus Lives p 124 "Sorrow (or troubles) shared with Me are permeated with brilliant glitters of joy, like numerous Christmas lights sparkling in the darkness"

739.  My 20th spiritual anniversary 
Twenty years ago, God showed me he was real and I believed Jesus died for me. What a journey it's been! There is no greater adventure than following Jesus. I've written more about my 20th anniversary here.

740. Revelation Song (Kari Jobe)

Worthy is the, Lamb who was slain
Holy, Holy, is He
Sing a new song, to him who sits on
Heaven's mercy seat

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows, of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be
to You the only wise King

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder
At the mention of your name
Jesus your name is power
Breath, and living water
Such a marvelous mystery

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come, yeah
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

My Spiritual 20th Year Anniversary

Twenty years ago, sometime on or around November 16, 1993, I challenged God to prove himself to me, because without proof I could not believe in him. And he took my challenge.

His infinite glory dwelling inside me

He proved himself to me in Job 38:1-7, through the Bible, which I thought was just a bunch of dusty old sayings and bizarre stories.  But those verses touched something deep down in my soul, and I came out of the experience surprised, a little shaken, and very awed.

Twenty years later... what a journey it's been!  A wonderful journey, full of adventure but also some dark and scary places, but I know God was with me through every shadowy valley, and every high and beautiful place.

I want to celebrate some way, but I'm not sure how. other than I know I want to express my thankfulness and joy. How does one celebrate a spiritual anniversary? I could invite my friends and family to a party, but I'm not a party kind of girl. I'm a write-a-story kind of girl. I've been sharing my story here on this blog for the past six years, and it's my way of celebrating my life and my spiritual journey.

Here's what I found on Beth Moore's blog today, My Soul Knows, and it struck me as just the sort of thing I want to talk about on my 20th anniversary of becoming a redeemed daughter of God, sister of Christ.

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    Marvelous are Your works,
    And that my soul knows very well.

     Psalm 139:14 NKJV

It’s the last line that I love so much. Life is hard and all our unanswered questions and unsolvable mysteries can make us feel like we’re getting sucked further and further into a black hole. We can come to the conclusion that there is really very little that we can know and, for the most part, we earthlings are victims of gravity, the soles of our feet stuck to the dirt and growing more callous by the day....

My challenge to you in the midst of all our questions is to behold what we each – individually, not corporately – really do know all the way into the dark folds of our souls. Here’s the 2-part assignment:

1. Complete this sentence: Right now I don’t have any idea… (pick only one thing, the thing that you find most confusing right now or most removed from your knowledgeable reach).

2. But these things my soul knows very well: (Write 5 things you know – really, really know – even in the black of night, even when you don’t feel well, even amid your thousands of other questions.)

So here's my answers:

One thing I don't know, that kind of bothers me:

I don't know if I'm in sin because I still struggle to tell other people about Jesus. If they are interested, oh yes, then I love to share; but if they are annoyed because I'm pushing my beliefs on them, then I don't want to share. Is that selfish? Cowardly? I don't know. I respect other people's beliefs and don't want to trample them. Does it disappoint my God? I don't know. I've been talking to God about it, but so far he hasn't answered me.

But these things I know very well, with all my heart:

1. I know God is real and that he loves me. Yes, every once in a while I wonder if I'm delusional, or maybe brainwashed. But I keep coming back to this: God and His Word are the most amazing and precious things to me. I have come to know him more and more over these past twenty years, and I am thankful for every minute. The relationship continues to grow. He continues to shows me new insights that fill me with wonder.

2. I know I can absolutely trust God. He is absolutely sovereign and in control; he works all things for the good of those that love him and are called according to his purpose. He allows bad things to happen to us for reasons we can't fully comprehend, but the story of Job has shown me again and again that it is ALL WORTH IT.

3. I know that on my own, I am powerless. My head can twist itself up in dangerous thinking, that will lead to isolation, depression, over-eating, and self-loathing, and hurting my loved ones.  I have found freedom in admitting my weakness. Glorious freedom.

4. I know that Heaven is REAL and I can't wait to get there. I know this earth is broken and running down, but I know God will create something new and wonderful and free of darkness, and we will get to explore it for all eternity.

5. I know that I am made in the image of God, and that he has endowed me - and every human being - with a soul that is precious, no matter how dirty or broken it may have become. He has put a little of himself in each of us, and gifted us with amazing creativity. He delights in creation, and he has given us that delight, also.

A life spent following Jesus isn't easy. But the best things aren't produced by "easy" ways. These twenty years have been full... and fulfilled. My life has not been wasted. I am so thankful. 

If you have found this page by some odd chance, take a moment to celebrate with me by leaving a comment, please! Share with me: what do you know, from the deepest part of your soul?