Eight "B"eautiful things I've learned

Our church hosted a prayer conference/ladies' retreat at the Snowy Range Lodge, and I'm finally getting to type up some of the beautiful things I learned there.

My pastor's wife, Kristi M.,  whom I've known 18 years now, sometimes shares things that are completely new to me. She talked various fears she's faced in her life, from childhood  onward, based on one of her favorite verses, Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears." This is also one of my most beloved verses, as I found this verse 14 years ago, after directly after sharing my anxieties with God about marrying a divorced man and becoming a stepmom, and asked for confirmation that it was His will I should marry B. 

Another thing she shared that really struck me is that when she got saved at age 14, she would sit outside her parents' door at night while they were sleeping and pray for their salvation. She prayed for 17 years for her father's salvation. "He compels us to pray even when we're hopeless."  Her father did trust God and surprised her with a a visit one day, and prayed over her. Of course this gives me hope regarding my own parents. This November 2013 will mark 20 years since God revealed himself to me and  I trusted Jesus as my Savior, and 20 years I have been praying for my parents to come to know Him too.

Another lady from church who I know a little from Bible study together (Claire) shared with us, and she was such a dynamic and humble speaker, I just loved discovering this new side of her, not to mention what she shared:  Eight B's:

1.  When we take "B"aby steps toward God, God will leap toward us

2. God goes "B"eyond and above what we expect

3. He takes the "B"ad and turns it to good

4. He goes "B"eyond our belief:  He is faithful even when we doubt

5. He "B"lesses obedience

6.  He "B"lesses through perservence

7. God grows our faith "B"igger

8. We need the "B"ody of Christ

Unclear lines in marriage

What do you do when you want out of your marriage? If you think you made a terrible mistake, married for the wrong reasons, or married someone and discover you have differences you can't live with? 

Like, for example, you knew when you got married that he drank once in a while, then come to find out he drinks all the time. 

Or you knew when he got married that he had bad credit, but thought it was as a result of just one mistake or issue, and then come to find out he is  a chronic over-spender? 

Or, another really devastating discovery: come to find out he's emotionally attached to another woman, even though he claims he's not having an affair. You confront him about her, but he insists she's just a friend, and won't give her up.

I faced one of these scenarios shortly after getting married, 13 years ago. I thought I made a terrible mistake. The good news is, we are still married, and more in love than I could have dreamed back then. The hard new is, it was hard. Sometimes it's still hard. He still has issues. I still have issues. The "big problem" is STILL a big problem. I wish could say that it goes away; that after faithfully praying, and trusting God, God delivered us.

In a way, I suppose he did deliver us, but not by taking the problem away. He did it by taking us THROUGH the problem. We're still going through, though the tunnel has gotten lighter and less scary.

But there were moments when I wanted out. It was too much. It was too hard and it hurt, and things got darker, not lighter. 

I have been thinking lately about unclear lines. The Bible is very clear about divorce; God hates divorce. But what about separation? Or what about intervention? When do you resort to these drastic measures?

A strong emotional attachment can lead to an actual affair. But there are degrees of attachment. The other woman might be an emotional crutch, someone to lean on during a hard time because he hasn't learned yet to lean on his wife or things are currently too hard in the marriage to lean on each other, but otherwise he has little interaction with the other woman. How do you determine where "the line" is crossed? When you should go from praying (and maybe asking a few other trusted friends to pray with you) about the matter to seeking active help (such as intervention)?

  

How do you tell the unclear line between a man who is making unwise and selfish financial decisions, to when it has reached this point in 1 Tim 5:8 where "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever"?

I think we need to pray very hard over these unclear lines. Too often our own hurt gets in the way, clouding our judgment. "Well, his unwise financial choices have hurt me"or "when he sends texts to this woman, how can I trust him?" The "me" and the "I" get mixed in there and make us so hurt and angry that we want to push him over "the line". 

I think, if we honestly and humbly pose these questions to God, He will answer us. "God, has he crossed the line? I will keep praying for him, for us, but in the meantime should I do something else? Should I seek help/intervention for him, for us? Is there something I need to change about myself first?"  

You know a change is needed in him, but we can't force that change. Many times even with intervention other people can't change him. That leaves two options: leave him or stay and trust God to change him (and often while you are trusting and waiting, God changes you too in the process).

Of course this is all very easy to write about, but very hard to do. It is really amazing sometimes when we are hurt very bad how HARD it is to pray, how anger chokes all thoughts of prayer right out of us or makes us feel our prayers are utterly ineffectual. Satan is out to destroy marriages, and he will deceive you to think it's a waste of time to pray. Or why should you pray when obviously he isn't? 

Sometimes Satan might even get you to think prayer just makes things worse. Have you ever prayed about a tough situation and things seem to get worse before they get better? You have to keep going THROUGH the darkness before you see the light at the end of the tunnel.  

The most important thing of all is to remember that you, yourself, YOU can't do this. Jesus can, if you give it to him. Sometimes you need to come to the most basic prayers of all, "Help me!"  "Make me willing to be willing to pray." "I can't keep going. Pick me up and carry me the rest of the way."

Sullivan Ballou's letter to his wife Sarah

July the 14th, 1861
Washington DC


My very dear Sarah:

The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days - perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more.

Our movement may be one of a few days duration and full of pleasure - and it may be one of severe conflict and death to me. Not my will, but thine 0 God, be done. If it is necessary that I should fall on the battlefield for my country, I am ready. I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in, the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the triumph of the Government, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and suffering of the Revolution. And I am willing - perfectly willing - to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt.

But, my dear wife, when I know that with my own joys I lay down nearly all of yours, and replace them in this life with cares and sorrows - when, after having eaten for long years the bitter fruit of orphanage myself, I must offer it as their only sustenance to my dear little children - is it weak or dishonorable, while the banner of my purpose floats calmly and proudly in the breeze, that my unbounded love for you, my darling wife and children, should struggle in fierce, though useless, contest with my love of country?

I cannot describe to you my feelings on this calm summer night, when two thousand men are sleeping around me, many of them enjoying the last, perhaps, before that of death -- and I, suspicious that Death is creeping behind me with his fatal dart, am communing with God, my country, and thee.

I have sought most closely and diligently, and often in my breast, for a wrong motive in thus hazarding the happiness of those I loved and I could not find one. A pure love of my country and of the principles have often advocated before the people and "the name of honor that I love more than I fear death" have called upon me, and I have obeyed.

Sarah, my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me to you with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me irresistibly on with all these chains to the battlefield.

The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when God willing, we might still have lived and loved together and seen our sons grow up to honorable manhood around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me - perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar -- that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not, my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper your name.

Forgive my many faults, and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have often times been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness, and struggle with all the misfortune of this world, to shield you and my children from harm. But I cannot. I must watch you from the spirit land and hover near you, while you buffet the storms with your precious little freight, and wait with sad patience till we meet to part no more.

But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the garish day and in the darkest night -- amidst your happiest scenes and gloomiest hours - always, always; and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath; or the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by.

Sarah, do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again.

As for my little boys, they will grow as I have done, and never know a father's love and care. Little Willie is too young to remember me long, and my blue eyed Edgar will keep my frolics with him among the dimmest memories of his childhood. Sarah, I have unlimited confidence in your maternal care and your development of their characters. Tell my two mothers his and hers I call God's blessing upon them. O Sarah, I wait for you there! Come to me, and lead thither my children.

Sullivan

1000 gifts: a VERY late summer edition

The 1000 gifts is a list of all the gifts God has given me that I'm thankful for, to live out the command "give thanks in all things" (1 Thess. 5:18) in my daily walk.

76. No snow in September
Up until just this week it still felt like summer, which is very unusual for high-altitude Wyoming. In fact, September and the first week of October were sunnier and warmer than June! For the first time in 15 years, we didn't get any snow in September. Usually we get a little hissy-fit of snow, not enough to frost anything to death, just enough to remind us all that Wyoming weather is fickle.

Here's a re-cap of some of my blessings from this summer:

77. Fireworks and French silk ice cream
I'm so lucky, I always get fireworks on my anniversary! (July 4th, 11 years) And oh, Dreyers must have had ME in mind when they came up with French Silk ice cream. Heavenly! (and it's light too)

78. Backyard pets
My youngest, Serious, told the ladies at daycare that she has lots of animals at home. Horses, ducks, Blazes and Dreamers (e.g. older sisters).

79. "These aren't the droids you're looking for"
Going to see the Sorcerer's Apprentice with my stepdaughter. Still laughing over "these aren't the droids you're looking for" - any movie that references Star Wars and choreographs lightning is way cool. We both love the song “Secrets” by One Republic. My stepdaughter also rode with us on one of our mountain trail-rides that I love so much, and she said she really enjoyed it, too. She's not a big fan of Wyoming (because of our fickle weather) but she was very impressed by our mountains.

80. My best friend dating my husband's best friend.
One of my best-friends has been dating one of my husband's best friends (and we totally didn't try to set this up). Once I got over the initial "wow, that's really weird, I just don't see them together", I was really pleased by this development, and sincerely hope it works out...

81. Finding lost items you've been searching a long time for.
Found my glasses that were missing for 3 weeks. Even better, found a videotape of the twins first year that had been missing for nearly two years! (I cried over that one a few times). You know how it got found? The twins got into the pile of videos and dvds behind the TV and made a huge mess. And in the process, unearthed the missing tape. So sometimes huge messes are blessing!

82. Debating lordship salvation vs. Free Grace
I got into a rather deep and potentially explosive theological discussion with another dear friend of mine (maid of honor at my wedding). If you are familiar with opposing Free Grace and Lordship Salvation points of view, you'll know that this was a very heart-felt and emotional debate, but I'm happy to say our friendship survived and I feel like I learned some good things out of it. At some point I may try to blog about it, but it's not an easy subject. In fact, I'm not even going to state which side of the debate that I'm on. I'm not extremist about anything; I'm always open to other people's points of view.

83. Avatar in 3-D
My daughters Blaze (9) and Dreamer (6) wanted to see the Avatar Special Edition so bad that they paid for their own movie tickets out their allowances. Blaze loves this movie so much she asked for a bow and arrow set for her birthday. Some people might read this and gasp "she's listing this as a blessing??" Should I be worried that my kids love a violent science fiction movie with strong pantheistic themes? I would be, except the movie has been a source of great discussion with my daughters. A great teaching tool, actually. They actually know the C.S. Lewis arguments that show the strengths of Christianity versus pantheism.

84. My "Give it to God" list from 2006/2007
I found my journal from the months before and after the twins were born. I had started a list called "Give it to God List" and there were some major things on that list: first, my fear - would I be able to love these originally unwanted twins, esp. when I found out they were girls and we were hoping for at least one boy; then when they were so premature and Gracie had some issues and worrying for her health and development; then the insurance not paying for my ambulance flight and the twins' ambulance back to Laramie... and others. All answered. All taken care of. God is so good.

85. Tofu = Toad Food
As I'm teasing my husband about how he should try tofu, he comes up with a great alternative name: toad food. I loved the look on his face as he exclaims, "my roping buddies would never respect me again if I ate that stuff."

86. Queen of Quickbooks
The Lord knows I hate doing the books for my husband's business and He mercifully gave me five years off from doing them. This summer I finally came to terms with His calling back into this part of being a helpmeet to my husband. And, surprise - surprise! Once I got started, I found I actually enjoyed being the Queen of Quickbooks again. Sort of.

87. Horny toad lizards
Blaze went with me on one of my early morning walks and we discovered a baby horny toad (which is actually a lizard). Blaze was so excited and I have always thought lizards were cute, even before the Geico Gecko became popular. We put it in a tank with some grass and water and kept it for a couple days before letting it go again.

88. Building a rock garden
My husband helped me re-landscape our front yard, collect rocks for a rock-garden, and lay sod. It was fun to watch his expertise with his backhoe, and to hear his compliments after I finished setting the rocks and planting the flowers. The picture above is of our four beautiful little women in front of my new rock garden.

89. Hoping for healing in relationships
We had a couple very touch-and-go situations develop this summer - situations that could have turned into real family disasters. But we took them to prayer, and God took care of the situations. We are still praying for healing in relationships between certain extended family members, but there have been little drops of hope along the way.

90. "Love Like Crazy" by Lee Brice
My husband asked me if I could look up this song on YouTube This is one of his favorite songs and he wanted me to hear it. I really can't go into the details of our relationship as to explain why I list this as a blessing, but I will say that I have seen some remarkable developments in my husband this summer that I am still amazed by.

Marriage, foxes and vineyards

I'll admit it right here up front: I don't want to write this post. In the past 3 years of blogging, I've only posted on marriage twice. I've written almost a whole novel on marriage, but that was fiction, -- in other words, it wasn't MY marriage, so it was fun to write about.

Now if you get me one-on-one in a coffee house with a big yummy cup of Hot Snow and a cheesecake, I'll spill the beans and talk marriage all night long. But there is something frightfully permanent about writing words down about your marriage on a public forum where any one can stop by and read. (I suppose I could change my privacy settings. But then I get to thinking, I really do appreciate when other ladies are honest about their marriages. I'll try to return the favor).

I've been married a few months shy of 12 years. I married my complete opposite, in everyway. The only two things we have in common is a love of Jesus and a love of horses. He's an extrovert, I'm an introvert. He's a risk taker, I'm cautious. I could list differences for hours but I don't want to bore you. Bottom line: it isn't easy. But I know God matched us up, that our differences strengthen each other. If I'd married a man with a similar personality as mine, we'd both be institutionalized now for severe clinical depression.

The recession has been hard on our marriage. My husband has his own business, and the work has dwindled to the point that I make more than he does at my part-time job. That's hard on him. That's hard on me. I don't like being the provider - the money I earned was supposed to be "extra" - for savings and vacations or what not. He feels, at times, like a failure. I have to keep giving him pep-talks. It's not a situation that inspires romance. Most of the time I'm too tired with working and running after the kids (though he helps with the kids ALOT) to have any energy left over for him.

The reason why I'm writing this is because it was a way to remind myself that my marriage is IMPORTANT and if I don't keep putting energy into it and giving him attention (and we all know how men most like attention), then I know the little things that stress our marriage are only going to get more troublesome, just like Solomon says that little foxes can end up ruining a whole vineyard (Song of Solmon 2:15)

I'm thankful I ran across Marriage Monday and the verse, 1 Corinthians 7:4 "The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife." A good reminder for me. I also wanted to point out - who is it that appears first in this verse? The wife or the husband? I'm thinking there's probably a good reason why the wife is addressed FIRST. With our tendency to moodiness, we probably need that extra reminder. I know I do.

Encouragement from the strangest place

As I mentioned in my last post, B. and I have been pretty discouraged lately. He hasn't been getting enough business to keep going, and the bills keep piling up. But since last week there have been a few positive signs.

One surprising blessing was the big snowstorm this weekend- B. got called out to put his skidloader to work pushing snow. Some much needed extra cash - thank you, Lord!

He also has about 2 weeks worth of new work lined up. 2 weeks isn't much, but still, part of the Lord's Prayer is to "give thanks for your DAILY bread".

Finally, the book Open Season by C.J. Box - talk about encouragement from the strangest place. It's not even remotely a Christian book, but God can use anything to lift our hearts. I borrowed this from my friend who is an inexhaustible source of great books (H.L.) and when I started reading it, I immediately thought that B. would really, really like this.

So I started reading it out loud to him that evening and sure enough he got hooked and finished reading it himself in record time (we almost had a wrestling match at one point over the book).

What fascinated us both about this book, besides being set in Wyoming (google Crazy Woman Canyon, Wyoming), and being a really edge-of-your-seat murder mystery, is that the hero's family is basically our family - very similar situation (minus the dead body in the backyard, thank goodness). Well, it could be a lot of families, I'm not saying our situation is unique.

Joe Pickett, Wyoming Game Warden, gets a call from headquarters in Cheyenne. He makes the six hour drive, only to discover that he's fired. He drives back home in state of depression (Game wardens live in state houses and drive state trucks, so not only had he lost his job, but also his home, and his pickup truck, and for a Wyoming man, your losing your pickup truck is the lowest blow possible). He's dreading having to tell his wife what has happened. He has to stop at a bar first, to fortify himself. Then he spills the beans. His wife listens quietly. He's expecting her to pack up the kids and leave. This is kind of the last straw - they've been through all sorts of other troubles leading up to this darkest moment.

But instead of freaking out, his wife stands firmly at his side. She believes in him, and she tells him so.

Of course everything ends up working out (a few gunshots and trips to the hospital later), but that was the defining moment for B. and I. We're at a pretty dark moment here, but we believe in each other, and we also believe in the Lord, which is a pretty awesome place to be.

A few other notes. Here is the latest verse I'm working on for Beth Moore's scripture memory challenge.

Psalm 34:1-2 NIV
I will praise the Lord at all times
His praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the Lord,
Let the afflicted hear and rejoice.


I plan to memorize this whole Psalm. Verse 4 "I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears" has been a mainstay in my life for 10 years now, and the whole Psalm is worth memorizing.

Last, writing progress. I got bogged down at the end of chapter 3 with the introduction of new character who just wasn't "sounding" right. So, to keep momentum I skipped ahead. Got as far as Chapter 5 and bogged down again because I needed to reference that conversation in Chapter 3 that I had skipped because the voice wasn't right. After staring glumly at my computer screen for a while (and turning off my wireless because Facebook kept distracting me), I came to the frustrating conclusion that this particular character isn't developed enough to sound authentic, and he's an important character, so that means - research & development.

Last year I bought materials from author Holly Lisle's "Create A Character Clinic" - kind of glanced over it but didn't do anything. So yesterday I unearthed it and started shooting interview style questions at my character. She provides hundreds of different questions such as "what is the character's compelling need?" "what pain does he most fear?" and so forth. You can pick any of the questions that interest you and skip the ones that don't, though sometimes pursuing what may seem like an "n/a" question ends up leading down new and fascinating paths. Or, should I call it a rabbit trail? If it doesn't get me past the chapter 3 road block by next week, it's definitely a rabbit trail.

the character of horses and humans

Last weekend I got to go to a horse training clinic presented by Clinton Anderson, an Australian trainer who has gained quite a following here in the US. So far in my blog I've talked about most of my major passions in life: my faith, my writing, my family... but I haven't mentioned yet my fascination with horses.

I have been riding horses since I was 10 years old, have owned a horse since I was 22, took a semster long course on horses when I was at Cornell, read the Horse Whisperer when it first came out and Monty Roberts' books (and many, many other horse books, pretty much every one, fiction or non fiction, I could get my hands on...) and yet surprisingly I have only started to really understand them in the past year.

Thanks to Clinton Anderson's training DVDs, and now this clinic, I'm starting to see some "magic" working with my own horses. He teaches all the same techniques I've heard of before; there are many trainers who are able to understand the actions of a horse, but this guy has the unique gift of being to break down, step-by-step, exactly how we humans can interact with a horse to get the horse to UNDERSTAND US.

The clinic started with Clinton working with his own horse in the arena. Without any halter, without touching the horse, he was able to get her to do all sorts of amazing things - side-passing and pirouetting, bowing, even laying down (the performance I saw was even more polished than this older on YouTube).

It was beautiful to see how the horse completely trusted him and seemed to truly enjoy peforming for him. Then he spent 12 hours, over two days, working with green or spoiled horses showing us the steps to take to develop this type of relationship and response.

So, what is the key to this amazing working relationship with a horse? Basically, if a horse respects you and trusts you, he'll do anything for you.

So very very simple, and yet so very, very hard, because isn't that the bottom line in relationships with humans, too? Respect and trust. The basis of a strong marriage, a strong family, as well as a friendship - if the friendship is more than just the casual one. It's also the basis of the ONLY kind of real relationship you can have with God (sorry, all of my blogs come back to either one of two things: writing, or faith).

How do you gain respect and trust? With horses, you don't let them trample all over you. You make them pay attention to you and respond to your cues. The trust comes when they do respond to you correctly, you immediately reward them by "taking the pressure off" and letting them relax.

If only it worked the same way in human relationships! I've learned with my husband that I don't earn his respect by bossing him around and applying pressure! Actually, I earn his repsect by letting him go his own way. The more freedom I give him, the more he is drawn back to me. And that seems to build trust, too, both ways.

But hey, I'm no expert. Too bad they don't have husband training clincis like they do for horses.

beware of starting Bible studies

Beware of starting Bible studies on better marriages - it’s sure to backfire. I feel like I am on the brink of a cold war with my husband, and the only reason why it’s on the brink and not in deep is because he’s never home, always working, working, working. He just started a new business in January, and we’ve had no regular income since then. So of course he has to work, work, work if we ever want to stop living on credit cards and maybe one day start to get them paid off (me picking up more hours isn’t really practical when it means paying for babysitting for three kids... but I have been trying to work a couple nights a week after the kids are in bed). I feel like I’m not married anymore but this fellow comes and sleeps at our house everynight and eats some food and occasionally leaves us some money in return. Okay, it’s not that bad, but my emotions tell me it is practically that bad.

So here is the premise of this Bible study we’re doing, based on the book "Love and Respect"

Ephesians 5:33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

The Greek word used for "love" in this verse is agape, the unconditional, self-sacrificing type of love. So the author contends that since the man is required to give unconditional love to his wife, it follows that the wife should give unconditional respect to her husband. Men crave respect like women crave love.

But as soon as I learned this, my evil twin soul rebelled. But I don’t want to give him unconditional respect. He has to earn it! I just erased several sentences of ranting and raving about why he doesn’t deserve unconditional respect. The point is, easy to understand but absolutely the hardest thing to live, is that it is possible to give unconditional love AND respect because that is what Jesus did for us.

My battle is more with myself than with B. I understand, but I have such a hard time doing. Duh, that might because I haven’t been spending any time in the Word or with God lately... Like for several months now. Where else do you get the strength to accomplish the impossible?

I still haven’t picked up my Bible but I have started reading Oswald Chamber’s "Still Higher for His Highest" (another great devotional in the fashion of "My Utmost for His Hightest"). Here are some fantastic quotes from it that have provided me with inspiration.

Faith cannot be intellectually defined; faith is the inborn capacity to see God behind everything, the wonder that keeps you an eternal child.... Beware of losing the wonder, and the first thing that stops wonder is religious conviction... the only evidence of salvation and sanctification is that the sense of wonder is developing, not at things as they are, but at the One who made them as they are.

When the facts of life have humbled us, when introspection has stripped us of our own miserable self-interest and we receive a startling diagnosis of ourselves by the Holy Spirit, we are by that painful experience brought to the place where we can hear the marvelous message - propfounder than the profoundest philosophies earth ever wove, "Come to Me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Until this experience comes, men may patronize Jesus Christ, but they do not come to Him for salvation.

Our heavenly Father has an amazing sense of humor; He will bring across your path the kind of people who manifest to you what you have been to Him. If you have been obstinate, that is why you have got that fellow around you just now, and Jesus says, "Show him the attitude I showed you." It means showing the disposition of Jesus Christ to the man who deliberately wrongs you, and it takes some doing.

True love, and why that means conflict

Last updated April, 2009

I didn't find my soul mate until I was almost 29 years old, and it was a long wait… I often wondered if I’d ever find true love, or even if there was such a thing as true love. It certainly didn’t come in the package I expected! I knew B. for about a year before he asked me out, and I never considered him as a "possibility"- after all, he was divorced, and he had a little girl. We were also complete opposites. I'm an introvert, a writer and voracious book reader. He is outgoing, a gear-head, and not interested in reading anything except headlines. We had only two things in common: we were both followers of Jesus, and we both loved horses.

We’d only been dating four weeks by the time I knew without a doubt I was falling in love. I’d fallen in love with his daughter too (for more about my stepdaughter, see this blog about my daughters.)

These are the things I love about him: He makes me laugh all the time. He’s a wonderful father (I got to see that part of him ahead of time: one bonus with marrying a guy that already has a kid). He writes wonderful love notes and occasionally, even spontaneously, he will buy me chocolates and flowers. He’s a cowboy (not professionally, but he does own cows, and he does regularly chase them with his horse). He can twirl his Colt into his holster like a pro. He can fix anything. He cries at the sappy parts of movies. He’s a great story-teller (one of my favorites is the one about the b-b gun he had when he was a kid and what he did to the bulls on the neighbor’s ranch. Or maybe it's the one about he and his brother peeing on the ants). We agree on everything important: faith, how to raise kids, even things like how much money to give to church, and what kind of dream home we both want. He was also really honest and open about his previous marriage and why it failed. He didn’t try to shift all the blame to his ex-wife: he admitted his failings, too.

Okay, there’s a few things I don’t like about him, I admit. I’m sure he can say the same thing about me… like, I’m really, really grumpy in the morning. And when I’m not grumpy, I’m moody. And if I’m not moody, I have my nose stuck in a book or in my laptop. Sometimes he has to tackle me and hold me down on the floor to get me to talk to him!

We’d been dating six weeks when he asked me to marry him. I didn't hesitate to say yes (in fact, I think I said “yes” three times). A few people gave us hard time about getting engaged so soon - and then setting a wedding date so soon - we were married within 6 months (July 4th, 1999. It’s great always having fireworks on our anniversary).

I certainly wouldn't recommend such a fast process for most people – it takes time to get to know someone. It takes time to get to know yourself well enough to be able to fit in with someone else. I think it worked for us because we were both older, we both knew exactly what we wanted, but most importantly we both have a very strong faith. We believed that when we faced conflict in our marriage, that we could turn to the Lord to help us work through it.

And we have had conflict, oh boy! (Someday I may blog about the Saleen Mustang incident, or the snowmobile and ketchup incident). But who doesn’t have conflicts, I ask? That’s just the nature of putting two human beings together and making them share everything! I believe that conflicts in marriage can either force you apart, or drive you closer together. The question is, how do you work through it so you end up closer? I’ve shared a few of my (our) trials and errors here in my blog.

Love & Respect (April, 2008)

Encouragement from the strangest place (April, 2009)