When you first knew what you really wanted to do in life

It's taken me a while to get this typed up and posted but I want to capture these bits and pieces of my family history. Mom went to her 60 high school reunion last fall (!!!) and her class started a Facebook group to keep and touch and continue sharing. The group was asked to share what they remembered about when they first knew what they wanted to do in life. When my mom and I went to lunch downtown at Elmer LoveJoy's and she shared with me some of her thoughts on this that she'll be sharing with her class too.

When she was in 7th grade she knew she wanted to become a college professor after listening to the Quiz Kids radio show. She thought up a question about Cardinal Richelieu to try to to stump the Quiz Kids, and she figured it was a pretty hard question since her 7th grade history teacher didn't know it, but it didn't get used in the show.

The next year she sent away for college catalogs for the Big 10 colleges and Vassar (because he'd heard that Chiang Kai-shek's wife went to Vassar) but got a big shock when she discovered how much Vassar cost! Still, she had a plan: she bought a pedigreed West Highland White Terrier, Heather, with the plan of breeding her and selling pups to save up money. Heather's first litter had three puppies, but just shortly after they were weaned Heather died from an infection. Mom sold two of the puppies (and didn't even break even, after Heather's vet bill) and kept one of them, Pinky, but Heather's death made her lose heart in her plan.

My mom with her Westie, her mother and siblings Tom, David, and Connie

She ended up getting a scholarship at Kent State, and later a very nice fellowship in German and Russian for her Master's at Indiana University - she ended up going to a Big 10. The fellowship also allowed her to travel to Europe. After her Masters, she taught German and Russian at the University at Buffalo (where she met my dad) and later switched to a PhD program in International Economics. I remember her working on her dissertation, I think I was about 10 when she got her doctorate. She has taught International Economics and related course for over 30 years now.

This got me thinking about when I first knew what I wanted to do. I started journaling when I was 10 and that quickly expanded into writing stories about horses. I fell in love with the Lord of the Rings when I was 14 (I think I re-read it three times in one year!) and I knew I wanted to write epic stories like that. But then when I was 15, my godmother Barbara took me along with her kids to Disney World, and I fell in love with the Living Seas exhibit, and asked one of the people working at this giant aquarium what kind of training I would need to get a job like this. "Marine biologist" they told me.

My journals during junior and senior year were full of my being torn between my love of science and my love of writing. One of my mother's friends taught Biology 101 at the University at Buffalo, and she got me into his class my senior year (which had the nice side benefit of giving me a lot of freedom from the regular high school schedule). I loved it! Even the labs. I took copious notes and when studying for my tests, I recopied my notes into a fresh notebook so that they were neat and organized (one night I stayed up all night doing this). But still, the love of the writing was right there along with the love of science.

My first semester at Oswego State I took the prerequisite classes for a Biology major (Chemistry, Calculus, I forgot the third); and two required humanities courses, one of which was a writing course. I didn't like Chemistry and Calculus at all, but I loved the writing class. So I began to have doubts about my major. But then an environmental group (Greenpeace maybe?) gave a talk on campus and I was so inspired by it, I became determined again to push myself through all the tough science and math classes and continue the biologist track.

After getting the pre reqs out of the way, I got to take specialized biology classes my other three years in college. I remember specifically Biochemistry, Ecology, Animal Behavior, Limnology, Oceanography, Stream Ecology, Forestry, and Plant Biology. None of them excited me like General Biology had, I couldn't see a career in any of them, and I wasn't excited enough about Marine Biology anymore to continue to the master's level. But my senior year I took a GIS (Geographic Information Systems) class because I had heard it had a lot applications in Forestry and other natural resources management areas - and I had finally found my niche! I got my Master's in Geography and loved all my classes, and I have been working in the GIS field now for 21 years.

But I've never stopped writing, either, and I view it as more than a hobby. These stories in my head keep begging to be written, but over the years I've discovered it's not just about getting them down onto paper, it's also about seeing them change as I change... and finding the heart of the story.

Shepherding a Child's Heart

What I'm thankful for - a couple weeks now of peace with my teenager. We're both enjoying each other for the moment and not clashing over every little thing. I have no wisdom to share for how this pleasant stage has been reached other than I've been praying a lot! 

What I'm struggling with -occasional moments of fear/anxiety (this is unusual for me): some completely irrational, and others stemming from trying to juggle a half-time job with home school. It's possible to do this - I've been doing it for a year and half now. But I still have the same doubts I've shared here before: did I take on too much? Are both sides weaker because I can't give either my 100%? I keep thinking about sending the girls back to school for the next school year, how they'll benefit from the structured schedule and increased interaction, and I'll benefit from having more time to make money (and an opportunity to shop at other places than at Wal Mart and Goodwill, or travel more). But then God reminds me about the long term benefits of time with my children vs. time to make more money. Here are a few beloved verses I keep coming back to:

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me (Phil 4:13)

He will supply all my needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:19)

 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? (Matt 6:25-27)

What God is teaching me - ways to have rich communication with my girls. I'm in a mom's Bible study where we are deep into scripture and reading Shepherding a Child's Heart. This is actually my second time through this book. The first time was about 6 years ago. Now I'm in a totally different stage with my girls, so when my friend Heather suggested she needed to go through this book again (because she's in a different parenting stage too), I jumped on board. It is so worth it studying these principles over again. Our goal should not be changing our children's behavior on the surface, but reaching their hearts.

Where I am in the Word - "His Glory" is my theme this year, so I've been studying verses on God's glory. Interestingly, the first mention of God's glory isn't until Exodus 16:7. So much more to share from my study I'm going to put it in its own post.

What I'm anticipating - a new-to-me car.  My car is 9 years old now, and we've been keeping our eyes open for a replacement but everything is just so expensive. We finally found a 2012 Dodge Grand Caravan with only 34,000 miles for $10,000. It will take $2,500 to fix it (it was in a side impact collision, only the doors and door divider were damaged). Because B. can do some of the work himself, its about a 3k savings!

What I'm reading - Besides re-reading Shepherding a Child's Heart, by Ted Tripp, I've been reading "Of Other Worlds" - essays by C.S. Lewis about stories and writing and his own books. Every page holds something both wise and delightful for my writer's heart and my Christian heart.

I'm reading On the Banks of Plum Creek with the girls for school, and Mara, Daughter of the Nile (because we've been studying ancient cultures, including Egypt).  I read On the Banks more than any of the other Little House books when I was a child - I'm sure I read it at least four or five times. I remember almost all of the story, but what I'm discovering re-reading it as an adult is Laura's marvelous descriptions of nature. As I've learned from living in Wyoming, the beauty of the prairie is subtle, and the sky is itself a dramatic landscape... what's surprising is finding these powerful, stunning descriptions in this young children's book,and reminding me of C.S. Lewis who said something along the lines that the best children's books are the ones you love as much as an adult.

What I'm writing - I've heard back from two of four agents who had either all or part of my young adult manuscript. They both gave me a compliment but "passed," one saying they wanted more characterization, the other saying they didn't connect with the characters. So I've been working on developing my characters more in that story, and also in the middle-grade story I'm writing for my girls, using writing exercises. See What's Inspiring Me below...

What's inspiring me - morning writing! Yes, you heard that right, a few times I have started writing early in the morning, even though I am NOT A MORNING person. What makes this work is that I don't do any structured writing: just free writing. Whatever spills out of my head while still in a sleepy fog (while I'm still in bed, even before my first cup of tea). I read somewhere that the best free writing comes when you've just woken up, or coming right out of a dream. I've also tried this waking-up-writing with a few character prompts (e.g. what are your character's worst fears; what's one moment in his/her life they wish they could change; what's one quality about them that other people don't like; one quality that others do like) - and I was surprised and pleased with the results. Maybe it's because while I'm still in a  sleepy fog my subconscious is closer to the surface? 

What I'm learning, and a dream revisited

What I'm thankful for - I've seen other people post "30 days of thanksgiving" in November on
Facebook, and I decided to do it this year (I'll sum it up in my 1000 gifts list, coming soon). But here are a few highlights: trips to Buffalo and Seattle. Getting to visit my stepdaughter, Stars (her screen name) and old friends.  My parents 50th anniversary.

What I'm struggling with - rising prices, B.'s hours at work cut back, realizing I can't afford some of the things I really want. I love to travel, but it's so expensive! B. and I were able to "piggyback" on my travel to Pittsburgh this fall for a conference for work; work paid for my plane ticket, so all we had to pay for was his plane ticket, a rental car and two nights hotel so that I could revisit my hometown, Buffalo and take B. around to all my old favorite places and visit some old friends. That short trip was a financial strain though. I realized then, we can't really afford to do this anymore.

What God is teaching me - I have this constant debate in my head: should I go back to work full time? I feel so blessed being able to work part time and home school, but it's hard to give up travel, and it's hard to give up little luxuries. For instance, I really want a new winter coat... I've had the same coat for 10 years now. (Good thing it's an LL Bean - it's still in incredible shape! Bean stuff lasts forever!) But other demands always come along: needing to get my daughter a winter coat, for instance. Or having to replace our printer. On the other hand, it's pretty awesome that whenever I really do need something it's always provided. That winter coat that Blaze needed? We found an absolutely gorgeous shearling coat for $10 at a consignment store. And as for giving up travel? Since Stars moved to Seattle this summer, we've been wanting to visit her, but we couldn't afford both the trip to Buffalo and to Seattle. But then the airlines gave B. a $500 voucher because his flight to Pittsburgh was overbooked and he got bumped to a later flight. And guess how much two tickets to Seattle cost? Yup, almost exactly $500. So we got to go to Seattle for a wonderful weekend visit with Stars. I just love how God works these things out.

It's hard as the financial strain increases,  but it's also amazing to see how God not only works it out to provide our needs, but even gives us our "wants" too, above and beyond needs.

Where I am in the Word - After a long stretch where I put aside Beth Moore's studies in order to study the Word on my own (1 and 2 Thessalonians), I'm now back to working through Beth Moore's "To Live is Christ" (the book of Acts).

Acts 23:10,11  And as a great dissension was developing, the commander was afraid Paul would be torn to pieces by them and ordered the troops to go down and take him away from them by force, and bring him into the barracks. But on the night immediately following, the Lord stood at his side and said, "Take courage; for as you have solemnly witnessed to My cause at Jerusalem, so you must witness at Rome also."

First of all, I'd never noticed before that simple statement, "the Lord stood at his side" and spoke to him. That gave me happy chills! Second of all, Beth Moore really challenged us to think about Paul's calling to Rome. Paul knew without a doubt that he would be God's witness at Rome; the Lord himself had stood beside him and told him! But he doesn't actually get to Rome for at least another two years, and then he arrived in chains. The study asked this question: 

"Can you think of something God revealed to you but that took years to fulfill?" 

I thought about this for a while, and then I remembered a dream I had about my parents, over 5 years ago.  In a nutshell, we were at a dinner with my parents, and a Christian friend of mine asked my parents if they knew Jesus. And they said they did! Even my father! And in the dream, I knew absolutely that they weren't just saying that; they really believed. They had saving faith. 

Was that dream a promise from God? I can't say absolutely for sure: but I CAN say it wasn't sent by Satan, that's for sure! I still have faith that this wonderful thing will happen: my parents will confess saving faith. I don't know if it will happen like it did in my dream, and I don't know WHEN it will happen... but I am going to stubbornly cling to my belief that it WILL happen, someday, somehow.

But faith can't just be passive. I need to share the Word with my parents. I haven't, for a whole year now, even though that last time I got to share with them was absolutely amazing! (the story of that is here) But it's time again now to put some action along with faith.  

James 2:21,22: But was not our father Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. 

In September and October, Blaze and Dreamer and I were reading Voice in the Wind, by Francine Rivers. That book is just amazing for raising good things to discuss with the girls about marriage, being unequally yoked, belief and sin, not to mention history (it's set after the fall of Jerusalem, in ancient Rome and Ephesus). It's one of my all time favorite books and I've read it at least 5 times now; the girls loved it too (and are begging me to read the sequel, now). At one point near the end as I was reading to the girls, a conversation between Marcus and Hadassah moved me to tears (pages 426-428, which is based on the story of guards at the tomb in Matthew 28, and how they were bribed). Marcus is trying to prove to Hadassah how useless her faith in her unseen God is. And meanwhile her heart is breaking as she sees how lost and unhappy he is. His arguments were ones my father would approve of: all the reasons why he thinks its foolish to believe in Christianity. To every Biblical defense Hadassah gave, Marcus had a smart and worldly answer. Until Hadassah turns to Marcus's dying father and asks him this: 

"If you stare into the sun and look away, you see the sun, my lord. If you stare at death, you see death. Where does hope lie?" 

His eyes flickered. He leaned back slowly. "I have no hope."

Marcus turned. He saw the dullness in his father's eyes, the pain etched in his face. Marcus was suddenly filled with deep shame. Maybe he had been wrong. Maybe it was better to have false hope than no hope at all.

This broke my heart, because my father is slowly dying of Parkinson's. He does not speak of it, but he must be looking at death: what hope does he have?  I have hope that transcends death, and I must keep sharing it with him. I keep praying for the courage to share, and praying for God to work His miracle, and lift the veil so my father can finally see the truth. 

My plan for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow is to share Isaiah 61:1-3 with my parents:

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, 
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. 

What I'm reading-I haven't read anything on my own in November because it's NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) and I'm concentrating on my writing. But for school, I've been reading Anne of Green Gables to the girls (more about that below). In October I read C.S. Lewis's Letters to Children (I can't let a year go by without reading C.S. Lewis!) and I finished reading the Magician's Nephew to the girls as our bedtime story. (More great discussion with the girls about this story: saving that for my 1000 gifts list, coming soon)

What I'm writing -While I wait to hear back from four agents (!!!!) who requested pages of my science fiction manuscript (thanks to #pitmad and #pitchwars) I am keeping myself occupied by getting back to work on my very first of my four stories, my "baby." Here's what I wrote to my writing buddy N.L.W.:  "I'm really stuck on the Valley. Your first book is your hardest and man this book is hard. I have this vision in my head of what I want it to be, but I can't even fully articulate it much less write it. Good news though: I tried my old trick of journaling out my frustrations and it really helped. Right after that I started to get ideas again."

What's both hurt and helped me this month is that the girls and I have been reading Anne of Green Gable for school. It's hard to be reading such excellent literature (and I do consider it literature!) when you are struggling to write your own; everything I write comes out so weak in comparison. L.M. Montgomery's characters are so dramatic and real; even quiet Matthew shines. Her settings are  magical. Anne's rapturous descriptions still make me smile, and her escapades make us all laugh and make the girls beg me to keep reading! This book is really pushing me to make my book better: to really dig deep, to find my passion and pour it out. To really examine my characters and play their hearts out across the page; to really look at my settings and find not just the beauty, but the mood; and what the beauty means; what the moods mean.

What I'm anticipating - being home for Thanksgiving. I love to travel, but I also love to be at home!

What's inspiring me - Anne of Green Gables and my writing are inspiring me on my creative side. My bible study in Acts is providing spiritual inspiration. My Overeaters Anonymous group provides me with strength and inspiration in the physical realm. We now have 5 regular attendees!  One of them (J) shared last week about how compulsive eating fogs up his mind and puts him in survival mode, where it's all about him and he doesn't have anything left over for other people. But when he's eating mindfully, not compulsively, he finds both clarity of mind and delight in focusing on others. That is so true for me, too. Our greatest fulfillment comes not from pleasing ourselves, but from pleasing the others in our lives.

Things on my heart this summer

Five things on my heart this June and July:

Dreamer riding Tuffy at a show in June

1. Scripture study
2. Horse showing
3. Bible game
4. Surrendering
5. My dad, care center, sharing my faith at work

1. Scripture study
Earlier this spring I was convicted to study the Bible on my own, instead of doing a Beth Moore Bible study or some other person's Bible study. It's been a while since I've done this (a couple years). I have done this in the past with Romans, 1 Corinthians, Philippians, Colossians, and 1 and 2 Peter.  In May I started studying 1 Thessalonians. My method study is usually to read the same chapter in full every day for a week. At the end of the week on a day when I have plenty of time, I take two or three verses and really dig into them. Look for key words, themes, repeated words, and work through the who, what, why, when, where, how questions. Some verses I will look up in the Blue Letter Bible to see the original Greek meanings of words.  My favorite part is looking up reference verses, to see where similar words and themes are found through out the Bible.

The first references I looked up were for 1 Thess 1:9, "you turned from idols to serve the living and true God." I looked up all the references of "living God". I found eleven verses that each gave a different view of God, and taken altogether completely awed me.

These are just a few:

•  1 Sam 17:36 (story of David and Goliath) "who is this Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God?"
• Psalm 42:2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. 
• Jeremiah 23:36 Every man's own word becomes his oracle and so you distort the word of the living God 
• Hebrews 10:31 It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God
• Rev 7:2 Then I saw another angel coming from the East, having the seal of the living God

I did the same exercise with 1 Thess 2:13 "you accepted the Word as it actually is: the Word of God which is indeed at work in you" - my Thompson Chain Reference bible linked this to a chain of verses under the heading of the "power of the Word" and it was fantastic reading through dozens of verses about the power of God's Word.

2. Horse showing
We've taken the girls to several horse shows this summer, and to the intense 3 day 4H Horse Camp in Douglas, Wyoming, which was an incredible learning opportunity. Blaze rode Spring, and Dreamer rode Tuffy, and there were four classes in the morning and four in the afternoon: showmanship, trail, equitation, patterns, barrel racing, pole bending, English, ground work (lunging), saddle fitting, first aid for horses, conformation, shoeing and hoof care, knot tying, even sorting cattle!! B. and I took turns going to the classes with Blaze and Dreamer, and the twins climbed over and under every fence, grand stand, pen, etc across the entire facility and actually managed to not get hurt or hurt anyone else (phew!) The third and last day was  a little practice show in the morning, and both Dreamer and Blaze placed about in the middle of the pack (Dreamer is in the Junior division, ages 8-10; there were about 25 kids) and Blaze is in the intermediate division, ages 11-13, about 35 kids).

Of course there were tears and frustration because they wanted to win something, and it wasn't much encouragement to tell them that they were competing from kids from all around the the state of Wyoming, and probably some of the best riders, too, because it takes some serious dedication to get to and through horse camp.

B. and I struggled, too. B's very competitive and I claim I'm not that competitive, but turns out that events like this make me really itch to push the kids. But both B. and I know that pushing the kids is only half of the equation. They also have to really want it and be willing to do the daily practice to get to a competitive level.   I struggle with knowing how to balance it all: how much to push them, how much to let them take their own initiative. And I struggle with my own attitude. It's so hard not to get bitter with the rich families that can afford to buy expensive, well trained horses, and keep them well trained with expensive trainers, and have their kids take $50 an hour lessons. When you are up against those odds, it's so frustrating. It IS possible to compete with people like that, but you have to work twice as hard, and make due with second hand equipment that isn't as flashy and pretty as the rich kids' stuff (at least English equipment is standardized; but Western show clothes and saddles can range from plain jane to all decked out with silver and sparkles; easily costing thousands of dollars). 

When faced with what sometimes feels like a sport dominated by the rich and requires so much money that maybe ought to go more important things like missions and the poor and orphanages and such, I also question what values this is teaching my kids. But on the other hand, learning how to work as a partner with a horse is also an incredible opportunity. It teaches patience, kindness, self control, responsibility, consistency, sensitivity, to name a few... (also physical benefits like balance, coordination, flexibility and quick reaction).

After all the hard work with horses this summer, and seeing my own emotions and my girls' run so high, it was good to go for a walk this morning and talk to God about it.

3. Bible game
Blaze is not as negative as she was at the beginning of the year about church and the Bible, but she still struggles with it - "why can't it be more fun?" She likes to help me in the 3 year old children's church rather than sit through the main service, even though the lessons are way simplified for 3 year olds. Recently I came up with an idea to teach Blaze and my other girls some Bible lessons and important verses through a board game that we all love: "SORRY!" In the regular game, the cards have numbers and instructions on them, like move ahead 7, or move backwards 4, or switch places with an opponent. So I made an identical set of cards but with Bible questions on them like "What is the Gospel?" and verse fill-in-the-blanks like "The ___________ declare the glory of God". This was such a fun project to work on and I can easily add or change out the cards with new ones to expand their Bible learning. The girls like playing it and even B. played it with us, though with him playing the game really slowed down as we got into more discussion (but that's a good thing too!)

4. Surrendering
My theme this year has been Surrender  (NOT surrendering to temptation, but surrendering to God's will). Though I continue to go to Overeaters Anonymous at least 3 times a month and get great encouragement from my accountability team, I haven't lost any weight in over a year. The first 20 pounds was a big step, but more needs to go! Lately I have really been trying to remember surrender DAILY. Faced with a less than healthy food choice - a few times this past week I have remembered to surrender to God and not to the temptation.  My OA buddy C. has also had some success with this in the last week, too, and we are trying to text/email/call daily to keep each other going, and track everything we eat to share with each other for accountability too. I feel like every little effort I put in, even remembering to write down what I ate, or murmuring "surrender" as a reminder, or thanking God for blessings several times a day, gets me a little further away from bad habits and closer to good habits.

5.  My dad, care center, sharing my faith at work
This I almost don't want to mention because I have been a failure in these three things. I had a long weekend taking care of my dad while my mom went to visit her sisters and brothers, and I hoped to talk to him more and share the Word with him. I also can't get it out of my head that I need to volunteer at our local senior care center, even just one hour a week, visiting folks there - but I keep putting it off.  I want to share the Word at work, and that hasn't happened, either, because I'm too afraid, or lazy, or both. But I want to be someone that people would say first of all: "she loves the Lord" rather than just "she's nice" or "she's positive." But even more important, I want to not even think about me and how people perceive me, but be thinking about God first, and others next, before myself.

Late addition: how could I forget to mention writing? I've have my query and sample pages out to seven agents. So far one rejection but rejection is part of the game. I have seven more agents I'm getting ready to query, too, but then I read this amazing book, Writing Twenty First Century Fiction, by Donald Maass, and it gave a whole list of ideas for how to make my story stronger. So am I working on these "enrichments" and will query more agents after the edits. The thing that I loved especially about Maass' writing advice is that he really pushes you to work timeless questions or mysteries of life into your stories; to use your writing to impact readers with significance and meaning.  This is  my main motivation in writing (besides the great sense of adventure and fulfillment it brings me): to convey the glory of God and the mysterious ways he works in our lives... but this books shows you practical ways to accomplish this: to be high impact without overbearing.

What do you look like when you love?

A friend of mine, H.L., recently went to Donald Miller's Storyline conference and told me some of the highlights (Anne Lamott spoke there! WOW!) Though I used to be a huge fan of Donald Miller, I have some mixed feelings about him these days, especially after his recent blog post about how he doesn't attend church anymore because it's not fulfilling to him.  But H.L. had lots of good things to say about this conference and all  the people sharing how God has led them to live better stories, amazing stories. Here's a blogger from Converge Magazine, who  shared her interesting perspective on this event from 2013.

All this brought to mind a post I wrote here in 2010 about "What I want to give God this year" inspired by Donald Miller's book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I wrote:

 "Miller challenges us to live a better story. Good stories have characters that take great risks, or face great conflict. The main character faces conflict and for a while you're not sure if he's going to overcome it. And the very best stories have sacrifice in them." 

I was blown away by the story about "How Jason Saves His Family" in this book, and re-reading this post from 4 years ago inspired me again, and also made me revisit the question of "how am I living a better story?"  What have I done in the past 4 years since this challenge?

Well, nothing like the ideas that I talked about in that post, though they were good ideas and I am sorry  I did not pursue them (sharing more about missionaries and their work with my daughters, sponsoring a child from Compassion International). Wow, this blog has actually made me accountable because I forgot to do some things that were very worth doing, but it's never too late to get started.

But while my ideas from 4 years ago didn't pan out, I do feel like the overall challenge to live a better story did take root in me and grow. Not as much as I'd like, I'm still not much more than a seedling, but there was progress. Also, the progress didn't happen until a year ago, almost exactly, when I found the puzzle piece that I was missing after reading Donald Miller's book. He shared lots of ideas but his ideas didn't quite fit me. I mean, he was a single man with no kids, and I'm a married woman with kids; he could pursue things I couldn't, though like I said I came up with some good ideas that I could do (and didn't).

But a year ago Beth Moore asked this question on her blog, What do you look like when you love?

What do you look like when you love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength?

Because THAT person, Girlfriend, is who He’s looking for in you.

When we’re trying to hash out God’s priorities for us, that’s IT in a nutshell. “Teacher, which commandment is the most important of all?”

And that’s what He told them.

So, let me ask you this: when you are teeming with love for the Lord your God, who are you right then? What is your passion? What is it that you are bursting to do? That’s probably the stream of your calling. I’m not asking you who you see in front of you when you feel the most love for Jesus because that could be your pastor or your teacher or your worship leader. I’m asking you who is INSIDE OF YOU when you are flooded with the fiery love of Christ? Right there in that passion you’ll start discovering that purpose.

And that’s the road down which you will find what He put you on the planet to do. You don’t have to figure out what to surrender to. Just surrender your heart to Jesus. Every single ounce of it. Ask Him to give you a love for Him that surpasses anything in your human experience. A supernatural capacity. And ask Him for it every day until He does it and then ask Him to do it some more. If you’re a writer, your exploding love for Him will bring it out. If you’re a liberator, you will not be able to keep yourself from seeing to the oppressed. If you’re a teacher, you won’t be able to quit studying except to share what you learned with somebody. If you love Him with your whole heart and that whole heart bursts to sell everything and move to China, Girl, get your passport!

I don't know why I've hung onto this post for a whole year without sharing about it. Maybe it's because I wanted to see something come of it, instead of just talking about it. After reading this a year ago I can still remember jumping up and down with joy. That's it!!!!  I've always so felt inadequate, so lame because I'm not on fire for missions or evangelizing or serving more at church or other ministries. But I love the Lord passionately, with ALL MY HEART.  When I am flooded with awe and wonder of my Lord, it pours out IN MY WRITING, and also, when I teach. I LOVE to teach about the Lord.

A moment after this revelation/confirmation/affirmation, I had doubts. But I'm not PUBLISHED. Only a handful of people read my blog. What if it's all a waste of time? What if I'm only doing it for myself? And as far as teaching, I've offered to teach Bible studies at least half a dozen times and it never goes anywhere (or maybe only lasts for a short season).

But does work have to be BIG and NOTICEABLE to be worthy? Maybe the short studies I did teach did make a difference, to someone. I have been teaching children's church for years, the three year old class. Three year olds - I often think, that's no big deal. But Beth's post gave me a different perspective. I actually like teaching three year olds more than any other age group I've tried, including adult women. I LOVE teaching three year olds. I love how their faces light up and how I can make them giggle and how their hands shoot up enthusiastically when I ask them a question. And you know what, I also learn a lot myself, while teaching three year olds. You'd think it wouldn't be deep spiritual stuff, and I crave deep spiritual stuff. But learning how to distill deep spiritual stuff down to what a three year old can understand is challenging and enlightening. And sometimes their 3 year old perspectives cut straight to my heart too.

So as I was going through this revelation about teaching, it also hit me hard, here's another one of God's marvelous directional arrows that He sometimes uses to point me a direction he'd like me to go.  I had been vacillating about home school, even after a very clear arrow from God a few months earlier.  I had doubts. But this erased those doubts. From this point in March last year, I fully committed to home school and God honored my commitment and has brought it all to pass, despite obstacles and conflicts, yup now I can look back and see the long long story with all its conflicts and delays and doubts.... And I never could have dreamed how REWARDING it would be.  He wants me to be  a teacher. Years ago when I first discovered I loved to teach, I had imagined a different sort of teaching but God steered me right to where I was meant to be, and I love it.

Now I'm still not sure exactly where God is taking me with my writing. But I do know that my love for God pours out in my writing.  But it seems a semi-selfish pursuit, since none of its published (yet). I have finished one book and have started querying it to agents. I wasn't sure what to work on next and took a two month break from writing in January and February to think/pray about my writing.

Then a couple weeks ago at church (during the preaching, and it was really good preaching, too) the thought occurred to me: why don't I work on that children's story again, and share it with my kids? I had written a unicorn story with Narnian-type allegories to Christ and the Bible years ago, and then moved on to other more "grown up"  projects. I wondered what my kids would think of it? Was this a  God thought? So I read the first couple chapters to my kids and they LOVED it and begged me to read more it, much more than they've ever begged me to read other books (and they've loved the Narnia books we've read together so far, and Bambi's Children, and many other classics).

So I am pouring out my love for God in editing/revising a story about unicorns and God for my girls. I am also tossing around another writing/reading related idea, listening to other people's stories and writing for them. I am teaching my girls, and three year olds at church. Maybe sometimes the sacrifice and the struggle in living a good story is that at first it wasn't the grand story you were expecting. Perhaps God will move me on to other storylines later. For now, I am fulfilled and living in awe of His Glory.

1000 gifts: December challenge

child-like wonder

I noticed during November this year that some friends were listing things they were thankful for on each day. Such a good idea! November is NaNoWriMo craziness for me (National Novel Writing Month), but I decided to try a list like this for December. In May this year I had a record month with my 1000 Gifts list, twenty one additions to my list. Why not try for thirty one in December? I would LOVE for God to open my eyes to see a blessing every day, it brings a deeper joy to the Christmas season.

741.   Stars' adventures in Europe (Nov 30)
My stepdaughter Stars has spent the last two months in Europe, and came home the day before Thanksgiving. She stayed with a friend in Germany, and did some hosteling to London, Paris, Amsterdam, and Austria while she was there. And this is what she brought home for me from London - two of my favorite things:  a mug from across the sea, and English tea!

And this was what she wrote me, on a postcard  from Austria:

742.   prayers for healing and Luke 18:10-13, a sinner's prayer (Dec. 1)

Thanksgiving with B's sister and her husband, discovered they are both believers and had some great conversations with them.  B asked if everyone could gather around his mom, lay hands on her and pray for healing, since her cancer continues to spread. Afterwards, she told us she has been praying the tax collector's humble prayer, "Lord  have mercy on me, a sinner."

743. Finishing my book and interest from agent (Dec. 2)
I used NaNoWriMo as motivation to finish my book this year; I didn't finish until today instead of November 30 but the main thing is, I FINISHED! I have a complete book! I wrote the rough draft last year and this whole year I've been re-writing it. Seeing it all finally come together, all the pieces finally in place - I can't describe the feeling of fulfillment. Just in time too because when I submitted my first page to an online contest, an agent requested that I send her my full manuscript.

744. Help with birthday preparations (Dec 3)
Having Blaze and Dreamer home instead of in school was really nice today as they helped me decorate the house for the twins' birthday and bake over 40 cupcakes (the one disadvantage of having twins in two separate classes).  I know it's a blessing too that the twins are 7 years old now, but I'm sad
they're not my babies anymore.

745. Fairy homes in Christmas ornaments (Dec 4)
We brought up our "early tree" today (we have a fake tree that we put upstairs which I call our "early tree" because it helps us get an early, easy start with our Christmas decorations, since I don't usually have time to get a real tree until later in the month).  Dreamer says that fairies like to live inside Christmas ornaments, which I thought was a brilliant idea (might write a story about that some day).

746. Our horses playing in the backyard (Dec 5)

747.  All nighter writing/editing (Dec 6)
Last round of edits to polish the book up to send to the agent - sometimes all nighters are fun!

748. Discovering old Christmas music, new to me (Dec 7)
Pat-a-Pan, O Magnum Mysterium, Bolero drummer boy at the Christmas festival and University symphony

749. Blaze found the perfect Christmas verse (Dec 8)
Was looking for a good verse to share in my Sunday school class, and Blaze found it for me: Matt 1:21  She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.

750. Dreamer says there's "One undiscovered place left in the world"  (Dec 9)
 "where's that?"  "the garden of Eden"

751. Neighborhood Christmas tree store (Dec 10)

752. Kitty paws under the door (Dec 11)

753.  Blaze's new friend (Dec 12)
Been praying for another friend for her, she's missed Hailee so much since her family moved away (we've missed her too!) but so happy about new friend Olivia

754. Santa's redneck brother on the radio (Dec 13)
Makes B smile - I love his smile

755.  Singing Christmas hymns at church and an old favorite: Be Thou My Vision (Dec 14)
Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light

Be thou my wisdom and Thou my true word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord
Thou my great Father, I, Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one

Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou are

High King of heaven my victory won
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's Sun
Heart of my own heart whatever befall
Still be my vision O Ruler of all 

1000 gifts: a sunset rainbow

Finally catching up on all the blessings add to my 1000 gifts list. I write these on my calendar, and then as I have a chance I type them up to share here with more details, as a record for my family and another offering of thanksgiving to God. These are my blessing for November, 2013. And something I forgot to add to this my original list; over a year later I remembered some special things from our Thanksgiving in Kansas, staying at my sister-in-law's house in Goddard, near Wichita.

One of the last things the girls were able to do with Grandma B. before the cancer got too painful for her was making bead jewelry. Aunt Melissa and Aunt Crystal set up all their bead boxes and supplies, and Joy brought her set as well, and we all spent a couple afternoons with the girls helping them make necklaces, bracelets and earrings. (I made a set of earrings and a necklace, too). Then, after Thanksgiving when we were getting ready to leave, another surprise: Aunt Melissa gave Blaze her a jewelry making set, complete with tools and three large boxes of assorted beads - at least 100 different kinds of bead sets and separators and charms and jewels. And Aunt Crystal gave all four girls beautiful wooden jewelry boxes. But most precious of all was that time with Grandma B and our family.

723. Dreamer's "sunset rainbow"
Our living room has three full length windows facing west with a view of the Laramie valley and Snowy Range mountains in the distance - perfect place to view our magnificent Wyoming sunsets. One night Dreamer and I were looking at such a vibrant sunset that Dreamer said it was like a "sunset rainbow."  The term was intriguing that I googled it, and did indeed find sunsets with nearly rainbow colors. But can a setting sun create a rainbow?  I did find a couple intriguing photos, like this one:

724. Pretty face paint
This was actually in October for Halloween, but better late than never!

725. Blaze made her own pilgrim costume

726. The words finally flowing again
I had a slow start with NaNoWriMo - didn't start until day 4. (Homeschool is crazy time-consuming). Then words finally began to flow... felt so good to finally have the story come alive again to me.

727. First page accepted to Baker's Dozen contest
I debated about entering this writing contest because even though you only submit your first page, it requires a complete manuscript because it showcases finished projects to agents; and my plan was to finish my science fiction manuscript for NaNoWriMo this year (only had 5 chapters left, but still!) The deadline was November 7, and I decided if I could get 5000 words written by then, I would be close enough to done. I made my deadline and submitted and was one of 30 young adult manuscripts selected for the showcase to 13 agents!

728. Encouragement to continue home schooling 
Blaze has been acting depressed and listless and says she misses school. Called up my homeschooling friend K.A. and got lots of encouragement and reasons to continue homeschooling.

729. Started a Bible timeline poster for home school
I wanted a really BIG timeline, it stretches the entire length of our hallway and we have plenty of room to add pictures and notes and even play search & find games on it

730. Reading the Silver Chair to the girls out loud
More than any of the other books in the Chronicles of Narnia we've read so far, this one mirrors so many Scriptural principles, in almost every scene. I had forgotten all about the Bism, the deep world with living jewels. And what happened to King Caspian in Aslan's country (heaven).

731. One lone tree still has its golden leaves
I've walked past this tree hundreds of times on my way to work, but I never noticed it before because it's hidden behind a clump of dark evergreens. But one evening a shaft of the setting sun struck it and "set it on fire" and I realized it still had all its golden leaves, weeks after all the other trees had lost theirs

732. Cowboy church and devotionals
B. and Blaze went to Cowboy church at the Billings horse sale, and they were giving away free Bibles and devotionals. B. has been reading the devotional almost every night and sharing parts of it with me. It's called God Wants You To Win! Vol. II by Jeff Copenhaver (I'm going to need a whole separate post to talk about this, the title at first set off warning bells and I was afraid this was a "health and wealth gospel" kind of book, but it's not)

733. Having a nice van again
I drive a 2006 Chevy Uplander and I absolutely love it (never thought I would like a mini van, but miracles happen). Only bad thing about it is I hit a post backing up a few years ago, and have a bad dent in the tail gate. But B. found a new lift gate for it at a junkyard - same color and everything. Only thing the gate was from a Buick Terraza, so my van has a mixed identity now!

734. Tiropetas
I made these little Greek pastries for Mom and Dad's 49th anniversary... haven't made them in years but one of my favorites growing up along with spanakopita

735. "My mom's my best friend"
Dreamer told me about a teen on Disney channel that said "my mom's my best friend, I don't care if other teens think that's lame." She said she always wanted to be like that, too

736. Jeremiah 31:21 
"Set up road signs; put up guidepoists. Take notes the highway, the road that you take" for when Israel will return from the land of the enemy. When we are going through a tough time, we should set up signs and guides (sort like stones of remembrance) because the Lord will bring us back to the good places again.

737. Rediscovering Jeremiah 31:3 
"I have loved you with everlasting love; I have drawn you with lovingkindness" I had forgotten about this neat verse until I saw it again recently; years ago I read C.S Lewis' interpretation in one of his books (wish I could remember which one): of the master sculptor who will not finish chipping away at his masterpiece until it is perfected, a different drawing us in lovingkindness

738. Proverb 4:1, gleams of light
"The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day."  From  Jesus Lives p 124 "Sorrow (or troubles) shared with Me are permeated with brilliant glitters of joy, like numerous Christmas lights sparkling in the darkness"

739.  My 20th spiritual anniversary 
Twenty years ago, God showed me he was real and I believed Jesus died for me. What a journey it's been! There is no greater adventure than following Jesus. I've written more about my 20th anniversary here.

740. Revelation Song (Kari Jobe)

Worthy is the, Lamb who was slain
Holy, Holy, is He
Sing a new song, to him who sits on
Heaven's mercy seat

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows, of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be
to You the only wise King

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder
At the mention of your name
Jesus your name is power
Breath, and living water
Such a marvelous mystery

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come, yeah
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

1000 gifts: farther horizons, higher peaks, greater depths

 Continuing my list of gifts, blessings that I write down to remember all the wonderful things that God gives me along life's journey. I write these down on my calendar, and when I get a chance I add them here to my blog. These are all blessings are from January, 2013.

 567. Siesta Scripture Memory challenge 2013 
Beth Moore has started this challenge again at her Living Proof blog, in which we memorize a verse every two weeks for a year. 

Here are my two verses for January:

2 Corinthians 3:16,17   But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

2 Corinthians 3:18   And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate (or reflect) the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His image, with ever increasing glory, which comes from the Lord. 

568. Editing progress
I've proved through five Novembers now that I can get the first draft of a novel written and finished. It's the editing and polishing subsequent drafts that always stalls me out. I'm 10 chapters (or about 1/3 of the way) through editing my latest novel into shape. I list this also as a challenge to myself to keep working away at it. Hope to have it finished in April and ready for beta readers (which will surely mean more edits, but it's still a big step). I really want to query it to agents by this summer or fall.

569. Three reasons to write

"I write to give myself strength. I write to be the characters that I am not. I write to explore all the things I’m afraid of."  — Joss Whedon
 
570. Kisses From Katie
This is an autobiography by a 22 year old that blew me away. Katie J. Davis left her wealthy home in America and has been living and ministering to the poor and starving in Uganda since she was 18, adopting/fostering 14 children. 

I hadn't realized what a transformation had taken place while I had been in Uganda, the spiritual richness I had experienced in material poverty and the spiritual poverty I felt now in a land of material wealth.

The place God calls us to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet.

I've had people ask why I think Africa is so impoverished, but these children are not poor. I, as a person who grew up wealthy, am. I put value in things. These children, having no thing, put value in God. I put my trust in relationships; these children, having already seen relationships fail, put their trust in the Lord. This nation is blessed beyond any place, any people I have ever encountered. God has not forgotten them. In fact, I believe He has loved them just a little bit extra.

I sit here freezing and wet in this pitch-black room as the rain beats on the roof, and God is so close I feel I can touch Him. My deepest prayer is that I could know the Lord as well as the first grader next to me. All my senses are full of His greatness. God's glory has fallen down into this place and is soaking us even deeper than the rain. I never ever want to be dry.

570. A conviction challenged
Last November during a communion service at church, I had quite the conversation with God over homeschooling. I laid out my arguments and doubts; He responded with "am I not God?" One of my fears would be that I soon as I committed to homeschooling, something would happen with my job that would complicate matters. Sure enough, that's exactly what happened this January. At first this caused a lot of fretting on my part, and disagreement between B. and I. But prayer is my theme word for this year, so I took it to prayer. It's not resolved yet, but I am waiting in prayer, and no longer fretting. It's in God's hands. So, sometimes a challenge (even unresolved) can turn into a gift, too, because it pushes us to follow God more closely.

571. Questions about Genesis
B.'s nephew called us one night, he and his wife had been studying Genesis (!!!!) and he was having issues with it, and wanted to know where Cain's wife and other spouses for Adam and Eve's children came from? That is a tough question, because incest (siblings marrying) is a likely answer, and whatever you might say about how it was "okay" back then, it's still a tough thing to swallow.  B. pointed out how it's also a tough thing to swallow about what the evolutionists propose instead: that we all ultimately evolved from a chemical brew. Then it also occurred to me, no one calls Adam and Eve incestuous, even though she was made out of Adam's rib. What if in those early days, God made all the spouses out of ribs? Or just breathed them into existence? God is a Creator - and he's not limited by the means we are limited in our own procreation.

572. Cat-herding
A co-worker shared this cat-herding commercial with me, and I shared it with my family - the girls didn't "get it" the same way adults too, but they thought it was hilarious, anyway!
 

573. A certain person drinking apple juice instead of something stronger
I'm not even going to try to explain this. Maybe 20 years from now I won't have a clue why I listed this as a gift (I don't even like apple juice!) but right now, it makes me smile.

574. Vitamins in the tea canister
It's that time of year again where I'm most vulnerable to seasonal depression.  Last year my doctor advised I triple my daily Vitamin D dose, and I never did get depressed last year, so I've been trying to remember to take my vitamins. Problem is, I remember for a week, then forget for a week. So I tried to think of a way that I wouldn't forget. Where could I put those pills that I wouldn't forget them?  Well, I NEVER forget to have my tea in the morning, and since I've been keeping the vitamin bottle in the cannister with my tea bags, I haven't forgotten once! (hmmm, maybe I should keep my bible in there, too?)

575. Texted prayers
My O.A. friends and I text prayers back and forth when facing temptation or other tough times (keeping C. in prayer for health issues, both her and her daughter). Friends from church have also been texting me "praying for you" since I shared with them the complication that's come up with my job that's at odds with my conviction to homeschool. H.L. and Helen (see gift #529 for more about Helen's prayer) have been praying about my job/homeschooling situation too, as well as N.L.W. and K.A. 


576. A cute pair of smaller jeans
Bought my first pair of a-size-smaller jeans in a long time! (15 pounds lost at end of January!) Also nice that I got them for $6 at Goodwill with tags still on them!

577.  A "you're thinner!" hug
Eight-year old Dreamer loves to give hugs, and one night when she hugged me she stepped back in surprise - "Mom! you're thinner!"

578. Sharing theme words
During lunch with H.L., I shared my theme word for the year (and the story behind my words for 2011 and 2012) and I was delighted that she's been using a theme word for the past two years, too. Her words, Humility and Glory and Joy, are particularly poignant considering the tremendous trials she's faced in the past two years: breast cancer, fostering and trying to adopt two girls, and an undiagnosed neurological complication that puts one of her sons in a wheelchair some of time. 

579. Farther horizons, higher peaks, greater depths in God

O Lord, You are the God of the early mornings, the God of the late nights, the God of the mountain peaks, and the God of the sea. But, my God, my soul has horizons further away than those of early mornings, deeper darkness than the nights of earth, higher peaks than any mountain peaks, greater depths than any sea in nature. You who are the God of all these, be my God. I cannot reach to the heights or to the depths; there are motives I cannot discover, dreams I cannot realize. My God, search me.”

Thoughts on my stories and God's stories

I'm in the midst of NaNoWriMo (November is National Novel Writing Month - a challenge to write at least a 150 page novel in 30 days). This is my sixth year taking on this challenge, and every year I find incredible inspiration in the whole process of seeing ideas come to life. I'm on the homestretch of my 4th novel* right now.

But I've a hit a wall the past few days. The ideas reached a shining peak, then  burnt themselves out.  When I went for my walk this morning (loving an early day off for Thanksgiving) I asked God for a little inspiration. Wonderful things sometimes come to me while walking and I just needed a single image or snippet of dialogue to get me going again with my story.

God gave me something much bigger than I was expecting. Three things, actually.

It was such an epiphany at the time, but now that I sit down a few hours later to try to capture it in words, I don't feel up to the task.** But here goes:

The first thing:

I have always loved stories - reading others' stories and making up my own stories. I encourage my kids to make up stories, too, I love their imagination.  I love fairytales and myths and fantasies but I also love real life stories too. I just never think my own real life stories are exciting enough to share. But during my walk, the first thing I felt God prompting me about was to write little pieces of my life into little stories or vignettes; maybe as a Christmas gift to my family?

The gift of a story from someone in my family is pure gold to me. When Blaze and Dreamer wrote and illustrated their own little Christmas stories  a couple years ago as gifts to their grandparents, I almost wanted to keep them for myself. Blaze wrote about a horse that had no friends until Santa came along needing help with his sleigh, and turned the horse into a flying horse. Dreamer wrote about a Christmas zebra.

I warned Grandma and Grandpa that they had BETTER not lose those precious stories or, heaven forbid, ever throw them away!

For this upcoming Christmas I will try to encourage my kids to write real-life stories for gifts this year, as I attempt to find some interesting things from my past for stories to share, too.   I think our adventures in Estes Park this fall with Grandma H would make a great story for the kids to tell (but part of the fun of letting your kids loose with stories is seeing what surprising ideas or memories they come up with).

The second thing:

This is the harder part to put into words, because the things of God are mysterious; His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts. But He is also the original creative genius and I marvel at the insights He sometimes helps me see.

See, as I was thinking about how one of my most treasured things in this life is sharing stories, both fantasy and real, with my loved ones,  I suddenly got a glimpse of how God wants to share his story with us, and wants us to share our stories with Him. The Bible is the Word of God and it's full of his stories, his interactions with people He loved. The stories of King David are some of my favorites. Job's story haunts me with his pain, and thrills me with his encounter  at the end. Another favorite story is the Prodigal Son. When I first realized that this story is an allegory of God's love for us, his wayward children, I was awed and humbled.

I don't think God stopped telling his stories at the end of Revelation. The stories in the Bible are the universal stories for us all, and our operating instructions, a manual for living life to the fullest as we were created, intended to live. But God also gives us our personal stories, our testimonies of His love in our lives.  Even if they are never written on paper, they are written on our hearts, and His.

The third thing:

As I was thinking about how God longs to shares his stories with us, and for us to share our stories with Him, and how He longs for us to realize that His stories and ours are intertwined... it also occurred to me that all too often we aren't interested in His stories.

One of the biggest insecurities of a writer is: if I write this thing - will anyone read it? Or if they do start to read it, will they scoff and say "this is drivel. Nonsense. Not worth my time."

People say that all the time about God's Word. "Not worth my time." "Out-dated." "Not genuine." I myself said such things for many years, until I was saved.

God longs for a relationship with us. He longs to be part of our story.  I have a teenage stepdaughter who has "outgrown" us - her family - she longs to be off on her own. She is no longer interested in sharing her story with us, or hearing our stories, or seeing how they might be connected (except in a very marginal way). The same thing happened to me as a teenager and into my early twenties. I wanted to live my own story apart from my family and my Christian roots.  I headed off on my own, like the prodigal son.

I think God designed it for parents to experience that same story that He so often experiences with us:  our children leaving us, as our nearly eighteen year old is getting ready to leave us, belittling our values and advice.  We must let them go; we must honor their free will, as God honors our own.  Almost all stories have a journey of discovery in them, whether it's an actual journey across miles, or an internal journey across the heart.

I know this is getting really deep. I'm not even sure if it's even really connected with "stories" anymore. But the way God connected it for me this morning during my walk was sad and beautiful and hopeful all at the same time: just like stories are - with their dark moments and their high moments. I just had to take the time to try to capture it in words - me sharing my story back to God.

*My forth novel is born from my love of Stars Wars and a subconscious desire to switch Luke's and Leia’s places.  What if, instead of a farm boy, it's a  farm girl who gets swept up into galactic adventures and saves the day? Even more, what if its not a farm girl from a galaxy far, far away but an ordinary girl in the middle of suburban America who doesn’t have a clue of the epic galactic story she’s about to star in? (working title: Startripped).

** The first rule I've learned as a writer is that when I don't know what to say or how to say it, when it seems like I can never capture a feeling or experience with mere words - I just start typing one word after another. It's never perfect but it's always worthwhile. Sometimes the words surprise me.

When God drops an idea out of the sky

I haven't done a writing progress post in forever! I almost need to shorten my blog's subtitle by removing "the continuing saga of writing a novel..." to just "the continuing saga of attempting to raise four children, stay happily married and stay focused on God." 

But, while I haven't mentioned it often here on the blog, writing continues to occupy a large part of my thoughts. I started a new novel last November and I've been working on it on and off this winter and spring (more "off" than "on", I'm afraid. Reading finished novels is such a temptation instead the hard work of polishing my own writing to good quality).

Magical things in books (this will make more sense at the end of this post)

Anyhoo....I had to start a new novel because the last one (a historical fantasy) ran into a big problem. 

Last summer I completely stopped working on the historical fantasy, because I got uneasy about writing about demons. Dangerous territory, that.

 My original premise was: "what if instead of finding a genie in a lamp, you discover a relic with two genies in it - who are mortal enemies and can't stand each other?"   I LOVED that idea, but with the novel three quarters written, I couldn't write the last quarter, the last 50-75 pages or so. One of the genies was good, one was evil - a demon, in fact. And when I reached the part in the book where the demon started playing a larger role, I couldn't write anymore. I think (in fact, I'm sure), God stopped me - but with the assurance that another even BETTER idea would come along.

So last month, the idea finally came. Here's a few lines from the ECSTATIC email I sent N., my writing buddy of many years, when the idea I'd been waiting for almost a year finally came:

It just hit me out of the blue! (and you get hit too since you are the only good friend who will probably understand this) 

So, remember last summer I gave up working on this book because God convicted me about writing about demons? But I just loved my two spirits trapped together idea? I have been waiting for him to show me the solution. 

Well it just came and its so OBVIOUS I can't believe I didn't see it all along. 

So they are still enemies but not because one is good, one is evil [which led me to write her as a demon]. They had a misunderstanding long ago and they don't understand each other and even a bit jealous of each other and the goal is now to get them to work together despite their bad history. 

DUHHHH!!!!!! I should have seen that YEARS ago. Why didn't I see that??? 

But how cool now that I do! This is going to be so much more FUN!!!! 

Sorry for splatting exclamation marks all over you. Here are a few more to help you clean up!!!!!!!!

 So, my ever perceptive friend wrote back, if your "bad genie" isn't a demon anymore, what is she?

Um, good question. The idea from the blue had given me the source of a conflict to replace the old good vs. evil conflict, but it hadn't clarified the question of, what exactly are these creatures going to be, in my novel?

Mythical creatures like genies, dragons, elves and fairies (to name only a few) are a particular conundrum for bible-believing Christians. 

The only mythical creatures the Bible mentions are the behemoth (with a tail like a cedar tree!) and leviathan ("flames stream from its mouth" - sounds dragonish to me) and the unicorn, in modern translations called a wild ox but the original Hebrew is re'em, which translates to the Greek monokeros ("one-horned").  "Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib? Canst thou bind the unicorn with his band in the furrow? or will he harrow the valleys after thee?" (Job 39:9-10 KJV).

The Bible says these are God's creations, and he describes them to Job (chapters 39-41) to illustrate His awesome power - as He is the only one who can control them.  They are not evil creatures, not like demons. Their incredible power and ferocity - or the fact they can't be tamed - actually points toward God's strength and glory.

Could it be that mythical creatures from other cultures might also have pointed to God, symbols of His awesome strength or His mysterious ways? Or is there a dangerous side to mythical and magical creatures, in that they actually led people astray and into false worship? 

When God finished creating all the creatures on the sixth day (which included the behemoth and the leviathan, and may have included other creatures we now call mythical) "He saw that it was good."

But then sin entered the world, and much that was good became dangerous and twisted by sin. Romans 8:21 implies creation was brought into "bondage to decay."  So I think the answer is "yes" to both of my questions above. Mythical creatures do point us toward God in their strength and mysterious ways. But they are also subject to the Fall and the effects of sin and have been corrupted from their original purpose in creation.

I've been fascinated by how C.S. Lewis tries to explain ancient myths in light of Christianity, addressed in his essay, "Myth Become Fact". 

The heart of Christianity is a myth which is also a fact. The old myth of the Dying God, without ceasing to be myth, comes down from the heaven of legend and imagination to the earth of history. It happens — at a particular date, in a particular place, followed by definable historical consequences. We pass from a Balder or an Osiris, dying nobody knows when or where, to a historical Person crucified (it is all in order) under Pontius Pilate. By becoming fact it does not cease to be myth: that is the miracle.

Or, summed very well from this article by Mark Lowery:

1. All the myths of mankind's primitive religions were expressions of a deep yearning — the deepest yearning — in mankind's consciousness, namely that the mysterious transcendent God would come into intimate contact with mankind, and do so in such a way that He would repair the damages made by mankind's sinfulness, and would grant to mankind a safety that would last forever.
   
   
2. Christianity, rather than being one myth alongside many others, is thus the fulfillment of all previous mythological religions. It is a myth, like the others, but this time a myth that is also a fact. 

So after mulling all this over, after the New Idea that hit me last month,  this is where I'm at now, as far as my story idea:

Instead of being about angels and demons, my story is about a clash of ancient mythologies as the new Christianity starts to spread across the world. This works well since I set the story in the mid 300's, A.D., during the early spread of Christianity. Old mythologies are being pushed out by the new religion. My main character finds two mythical creatures trapped together in a stone, one a genie from Arabia, the other a naiad from Greece. They are enemies because they come from different mythologies, but are forced to work together to serve whoever has possession of the magical jewel they are trapped in. 

As the story progresses they acknowledge that despite their differences, they are both created by God. The genie chooses to serve God (and thus points Sidain, the main character, to God). The naiad just wants to be free and allowed to return to her own life. At the end when Sidain overcomes her own issues and sets them free, they both realize that if they stay in the mortal realm their powers will continue to be a temptation for mankind to try to trap them and use them... and distract them from the real purpose of myths - which is to point us to God as all the myths are fulfilled in Christianity. Thus the magical creature fade from reality into myth, that the one myth which offers true fulfillment may take precedence.   ("He must become greater, I must become less").

 I may find myself stopped again when I re-write the story according to this new path - but that's okay. God can stop me as many times as He wishes, until I get it His way: His way is far better than mine.

As I was looking on the web for more information on C.S. Lewis' views on myth, I came across this fascinating poem by J.R.R. Tolkien, Mythopoeia, which he wrote in response to a discussion with C.S. Lewis in 1931, where Lewis said that myths were "lies breathed through silver". 

Apparently, Lewis' views on myths changed in the years after, as captured in "Myth Become Fact" (1944) and in these little quotes from Lewis, along with several more interesting ones found on Don King's literature web page (Montreat College).

from "On Three Ways of Writing for Children" (1952)

[When a little boy reads of an enchanted wood] it stirs and troubles him. . . with the dim sense of something beyond his reach and, far from dulling or emptying the actual world, gives it a new dimension of depth. He does not despise real woods because he has read of enchanted woods: the reading makes all real woods a little enchanted. 
 

from a letter of September 22, 1956

. . . a good myth (i.e. a story out of which ever varying meanings will grow for different readers and in different ages) is a higher thing than an allegory (into which one meaning has been put). Into an allegory a man can put only what he already knows; in a myth he puts what he does not yet know and cannot come by in any other way.

The first affirms my belief that the myths and fairytales I read as a child played a role - perhaps even a very large role - in preparing me to receive and marvel in the truth of Christ  - and so have instilled me a great desire to write children's stories and fairytales.

And both statements brought to mind  1 Corinthians 13:9-12: 

For we know in part and we prophesy in part,  but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.