June gifts

Note: I started writing this in June; it's now over six months later (January, 2014) but I only now feel able to put this post up.

In June, something happened that made me feel humiliated, and I ran away from my home and went up to the mountains for an hour to get the tears out of my system. Crying out: God, what are you trying to teach me here, with this humiliation? (Six months later: I'm still thinking about this...)

What a tough year it's been so far.... This following on the heels  of a couple other really tough things, stuff I don't even want to mention again. And yet, through these trials I am learning so much. And the blessings keep pouring in, too, like these...

640. How beautiful this summer is, it takes my breath away!
There seems to more color, or richer color, somehow. The skies are a landscape painting. Love my evening walks. No mosquitos this summer! Lush wildflowers, scent everywhere.

641. An agent requesting more pages of my book
A few days after my meltdown, I got an email from an agent (C.H.) that she read my samples pages and liked my premise and requested another 100 pages to read!  This made me feel so much better, like maybe I am supposed to be a writer/author... But still, God, what are teaching me? I want to know and live your will and lean not on my own understanding.

642. Summer, Dreamer's new horse

While the kids are allowed to "claim" a horse as their own, our real policy is the horses are family horses, for everyone. Nevertheless, 9-year-old Dreamer was thrilled when Daddy said this new mare could be her horse and she could even name her (though I retained the right to veto certain name suggestions). After a few vetos, the name "Summer" was settled upon (Blaze's palomino mare is Spring, so Summer felt like the perfect name for Dreamer's palomino mare).

643.  Steps 4 and 5 in the AA/OA Twelves steps
I went through steps 4 and 5 with a friend from OA and gained some startling insight into how a problem I never addressed in my teen years has manifested itself (in a different but related way) as another problem right now in my life. It's still too personal to share on a public blog, but I can share this: another OA member talked  about how one of his weaknesses is self-entitlement and I realized that might be mine, too.

644. The quality of the moment is what matters
Another great insight from OA: "The quality of the moment is what matters, not the quantity of success." 

645. "My life has not been easy, but it has been full" - Beth Moore
The full quote, in her To Live is Christ workbook: "I could never tell anyone that becoming a Christian makes life easier. But with a heart full of emotion, I will tell anyone that a life surrendered to Christ is a life that is full. My life has not been easy. I've made many mistakes and I've been the victim of others' mistakes. Yet I would not trade lives with anyone. Why? Because my life is full. I believe emptiness causes more people to despair of life than pain."

646.  "How I long for new words, new shades of paint, new notes on a scale" - Beth Moore
Also from Beth Moore's To Live is Christ:  "I will never be able to translate  on paper the emotions bursting through the old wineskin of my heart with the new wine of fresh love. I wish I could somehow describe how I feel about my God this moment. How I long for new words, new shades of paint. New notes on a scale."

647. Homeschooling convention
One step closer to committing to homeschool this fall: went to the big Denver homeschooling convention (it helped that they let first-time attendees come the first day for free). The talks were inspiring and a confirmation that this path is not an easy, but a truly fulfilling one. Also learned a great deal on getting started and different learning styles, but overwhelmed by all the available curriculum and materials!

648. Wedding ceremony on a bridge over a stream
A daughter of dear friends of ours (D.D and R.D.) had her wedding on a beautiful ranch resort at Red Feather Lakes, Colorado. The ceremony was held at an outdoor chapel, and the bride and her father rode up to the ceremony on horses. Loved it! (makes me want to get married again). The couple said their vows standing on a little bridge, loved that too.  They had two sets of vows - the "fun" ones and the serious ones. The fun ones were along these lines "I promise to allow you at least one third of the blankets in bed." The wedding program was fun, too, with this title and subtitle: "So you're going to sit through a wedding: a practical guide to not falling asleep and figuring out just what exactly is going on."

649. Bearcrawl
Serious loves to bearcrawl and it cracks me up every time.

650. Dreamer said I look pretty tonight, "Your eyes are sparkling"

651. Are you willing to give back what God gives you? 
John H. preaching on when Abraham took Isaac to be sacrificed. They had to travel three days - he a  lot of time to talk himself out doing this thing. Are you willing to give back what God gives you? Even if it seems like God is contradicting himself? When we surrender, then God steps in and sacrifices the ram for us. "Then you will know (experience) that I am God"... you go from head knowledge to a real living relationship experience.

Made to Crave

Made to Crave delves into much more than losing weight and emotional eating habits; it addresses spiritual aspects in many different areas of life. It's really all connected.

Lysa starts with addressing the question, is losing weight even a spiritual issue at all? Isn’t it just a physical issue? 

When you’ve tried and failed as many times as I have, you start to feel gun-shy about trying again. I’d lose the weight, feel great for a couple of months, deceive myself into thinking I could return to old habits, and all the weight would creep back on. I’d failed at finding lasting victory with every other attempt. 

...why in heavens would I want to add spiritual guilt on top of my physical guilt?

...Guilt wrapped in shame is a terrible burden to carry. Guilt always came when I knew I was making poor choices and could see the scale numbers climbing. Shame came when my weight gain became apparent to everyone else in the world. Battling something so raw, so deeply personal was hard; knowing my failures were apparent to everyone else added humiliations to my toxic stew of emotions.

Yes, the physical struggle was hard enough. I certainly didn’t want to drag down my spiritual life with this struggle as well.

But here’s the problem: whether or not I wanted to admit it, my weight issues were already dragging me down spiritually....I needed spiritual motivation to step in where my physical determination falls short. So I started reading the Bible from the perspective of someone struggling with food issues. Though I had read the Bible many times and have even taught Bible studies for years, I’d missed how much God cares about and talks about this issue. Tucked within this book written thousands of years ago are some of the most astounding and life-changing truths directly applicable to this modern-day unhealthy eating epidemic.

From Day 10: 

Why do we crave?

The definition of craving is something you long for, want greatly, desire eagerly, and beg for. God made us to crave so that we’d always desire more of Him. 

Don’t read over that last sentence too quickly. Go made us to crave Him. But Satan wants to do everything possible to replace our craving for God with something else. I like how the New Living Translation puts this:

Do not love this world nor the things it offers you… for the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. (I John 2:15,16)

This passage details three ways Satan tries to lure us away from loving God. And Satan used these very same tactics the first time he tempted humankind through Eve:

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food [physical craving] and pleasing to the eye [material craving] and also desirable for gaining wisdom [significance craving], she took some and ate it. (Genesis 3:16). 

Eve kept her focus on the object of her desire. The Scriptures give us no indication she tried to check in with God or Adam. She didn’t walk away and truly consider this choice. And she certain didn’t take time to consider the consequences.

...Interestingly, Satan later applied the same three tactics he used with Eve when he tempted Jesus, in Matthew 4. ….While Eve focused on the object of her temptation, Jesus kept His focus on God’s truth. He refuted each of Stan’s lures with Scripture. 

...When we face our own cravings, will be we like Eve, focusing on our object of desire? Or will we be like Jesus, pausing, reciting truth, and remembering what matters most? Temporary satisfaction or true contentment? 

Just as I must have physical food for my body to survive, I must have to have spiritual food for my soul to thrive. Jesus says, “My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish His work. (John 4:34). And He goes on to say , ”I tell you, open your eyes and looks at the fields! They are ripe for Harvest.”

There is bigger plan here! Don’t get distracted by physical food... it can’t satisfy the longing of your soul. Only Jesus can do this. Our souls were created to crave Him and love others to Him. 

The first time I read this, I only picked up on how food can’t satisfy our soul; only God can fulfill that craving. The second time reading, while typing this up, I picked up the second part that I had glazed right over the first time (no doubt because of my fixation with food!): we’re created to crave Him AND love others to Him. I wonder how often when I’m reading or studying the Bible that I pick up part of what God’s saying, but totally miss other parts?

But that’s the reason why God says the Word should be our daily bread; we should partake of it daily, just as we do food. The meal we ate last nite does not benefit us all week, we need to keep eating. The same with the Word. We can’t expect to live healthy spiritual lives if we rely on one reading of the Word a week! 

And this passage taught me as I read it again that I can replace my craving for food with a craving for God, but that craving God will also necessarily result in my eyes being opened to see the harvest in the fields – other people who need God too. Now if I thought turning to God instead of binging on food to fill an emotional need was hard, it’s even harder for me to tell others about God if I don’t know how they’ll receive it. I’m scared they’ll sneer at me. But God says the fields are ripe for harvest. Someone out there is ready (ripe) to hear the Word of God. 

Each devotion ends with a short one or two sentence prayer. Don’t skip these! I’m often tempted to skip other people’s prayers and come up with my own instead. This is fine, too, but still read what Lysa writes here, because otherwise you’ll miss one of the crucial steps that doesn’t show up in the rest of the text.

What I mean is that the text is insightful and encouraging, but it often plays out this formula: “Now that you’re enlightened, go do this.” But how often have I been enlightened by reading and studying the Word, and I head out all fired up to apply it in my life and I succeed for a day or two, and then slip. I lose my focus; other things get in the way. Then several weeks later when I realize what’s happened, I feel like a failure!

What’s missing here is the crucial understanding, so, so, so crucial, that “apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). On our own, even with the best of intention and motivation, we’ll quickly run out of steam, and ultimately fail. Change is hard. Everything is against us making true, lasting change. It’s been a long slow learning process, but I’m learning I can only change by leaning (sometimes even falling) on Jesus the whole way. Remembering that God’s power is made perfect in weakness. Remembering that my own will power always fails, so I must call on God’s power instead. This serves the triple purpose of strengthening us, keeping us close to God, and keeping us humble. 

If you don’t read the prayers at the end of each devotion, you will miss this crucial point, and find yourself one day dusting this book off your shelf and sighing “that was such a good book! Too bad it didn’t work for me.” Of course no book will work for you! It’s just a book! (except the Bible). All books can do is give us new insight and then point us toward God and his truths. There is where the true power lays. 

Don’t be fooled into thinking that once you understand, you can do it. Not without God on a daily basis you can’t! And the bigger the change in your life you want, and the longer you want it to last, the closer you must draw to God, talking to Him and listening to Him, often in a moment-to-moment relationship if you’re an addict facing strong temptations and cravings.

I really recommend reading Made to Crave as part of a group, or joining a group of other believers desiring to address this aspect of their spiritual and physical lives. I tried connecting with friends at church on this issue, and didn't have success, but I kept trying and eventually connected with a wonderful Overeaters Anonymous group applying the 12 steps with the God of the Bible as our higher power. I am not sure if could have applied what I learned in Made to Crave on my own; I needed the accountability, encouragement and feedback from face-to-face meetings with other people who understood my weaknesses and struggled with it themselves. 

But back to the book: I often find myself wishing I had a closer relationship with God, but there are days when I read his word that the words don’t sink in, and days when I pray where I feel I’m talking to the wall. Several of the devotionals in Made to Crave address this problem too:

Then Jesus said to them: Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.

I want this kind of all-out pursuit with God. But what does this look like in today’s culture?

I think part of what it means is breaking old habits to create space in my heart for new growth.

In reality, God desires our sacrifice – our turning from selfish ways – not for His benefit, but for ours. For instance, I stopped watching TV for season. I realized I was turning the TV when I felt must depleted – and when I’m most depleted, I soak up deeply whatever I take in. Why would I want to soak in deeply the entertainment of this world and not things that breathe life back into me? I broke the old habit of watching TV and created space in my heart for new growth.

Another example is my commitment to do nothing else each morning – including checking my phone or turning on the computer – before I open up God’s word. I used to wake up eager to tune into the world. I’d soon be sucked into answering this email, reading that Twitter post, and returning phone calls. Before I new it, half my days was gone, and I hadn’t let God prepare my heart for any of it. So I broke the old habit and created space in my heart for new growth. 

Right now I’m intentionally sacrificing sugar and processed food that turn into sugar once consudedm. Tyes, I want to maintain my weight loss. But this journey is so much more than just that. It really is about learning to tell myself no and learned to make wiser choices daily.

...Am I saying all my Jesus girlfriends need to do the same? No more TV, no more checking your computer and phone first thing in the morning? No sugar? Nope. These aren’t things I think everyone needs to do. They were personal practices for my own benefit. I’m not asking you to follow me; I’m saying to follow whole-heartedly after God. Ask Him. Seek Him. Do what He tells you.

1000 gifts: a record blessing month

This May was a record month - remembered to write down a lot of blessings! I had a couple tough things that hit me hard this month, too, including a bonafide public meltdown! But looking back on it, the blessings far out-number the tough stuff.

618. Discovering James 5:11 
This is a reference to Job I never really noticed before:  "you have heard of Job's perseverence and have seen the end intended by the Lord".  Job is the most special book in the Bible to me, because of how God used it show Himself to me many years ago and then again just recently (more about this soon).

619. Learning scriptures with a friend
Blaze's school friend Hailee coming to AWANA with Blaze almost every week and learning scriptures. She even came with us to the award ceremony.

620. Saving a bunch of money on our bathroom remodel
With 7 of us living in one house with two showers, both of our bathrooms desperately need remodeled. B. could do the work, but the fixtures are so expensive! We discovered a Habitat for Humanity store that sells donated household items and found a nice barely-used sink, faucet, counter-top and vanity all for under $100.

621. Learning to read
My kindergartener Serious sat next to me in bed and read several of the Bob's books out loud to me ALL by herself. I haven't sat down to read with her in a while, so it was thrilling to see what progress she's made and that she loves to read.

622. Riding an elephant
Took the four girls to the little circus that is in town. Haven't been to one since I was a kid and was surprised at how fun it was! The girls awed by the tigers and the elephants and the beautiful girls doing acrobatics hanging from the ceiling.

623. Word clouds
For Mother's Day, Blaze made me a word cloud in the shape of horse, using a web site she learned about at school where she entered her favorite words to describe me: Bookworm (love it!); Riding Teacher; Loving; Beautiful; Baker; Friendly, Sweet; Kind.

624. Tickls (tickles)
Dreamer wrote me a beautiful card for Mother's Day too. "I love my mom more than the sun, more than books. I love my mom more than toys. I love my mom's tickls but they give me gigls [giggles]. I love my mom's hugs and her snugs. She gives me gifts."  It's true I do love to tickle my kids to make them giggle!

625. Cross country jumps
It was an "open" day for people to ride on the cross country jump course and Blaze's first chance to try some of more than 20 jumps, banks and ditches set up in a great big field. Her horse Spring stopped at the first couple fences, but before long she was jumping everything Blaze pointed her at, pricking her ears and enjoying every minute of it. They even did some of the higher intermediate jumps.  I didn't have a safety vest or I would have been jumping with her but we all took turns riding alongside her while she went around the course. 

Bridling her horse Spring - getting ready to jump together!

626. My three-year old Children's Church class
I've been co-teaching the three year old class for 4 years now, and am continually amazed by what a blessing it is to teach these little people about Bible stories. A lot of times we act out the stories together. For Mother's Day we practiced Proverbs 31:28 "her children rise up and call her blessed". Blaze has been helping me lately, and she wrote out this verse in pretty script with lots of hearts and stars for decorations, and then we took pictures of all the little ones holding up the verse and printed them for their moms.

627. Fruit and veggie box
After church on Mother's Day when we went out to our car, someone had left a big box of fruits and veggies in the front seat - an anonymous gift. Last year, many of these veggies might have gone to waste in our house, but we're all trying to eat healthier and I put them all to good use.

628. Midnight movies
I took Blaze and Dreamer with me to the midnight opening of the new Star Trek movie, Into Darkness. They were so excited! Of course we were all exhausted for school/work in the morning, but it was worth it. I am determined to make them into little Trekkies! Maybe we will go to the StarFest conference down in Denver one of these days too.

629. Ladies Prayer Retreat
Our church had a prayer retreat up at the beautiful Snowy Mountain Lodge. I invited my mother, and she came!  We had a beautiful dinner and worship and Bible study on prayer, and on the drive home we had a long talk... she was impressed by everyone's sincere desire to please the Lord and to learn the Word at the conference. She does value prayer but doesn't see the need for studying the Bible. But still, so encouraging that she came with me. At the second day of the retreat, I had a couple opportunities to pray with some ladies at the church I haven't met before or have talked to only in passing. So thankful for this opportunity to get to know them better.

630. 1990's worship songs
Got to discover my friend Amy has been hiding a talent for music. She led the worship time at the prayer retreat and I loved that she picked  several old worship songs from the 1990's that I hadn't heard in years, brought back such wonderful memories.  "As the Deer" and "Oh Lord, You're Beautiful."

631. The Horse and His Boy
Reading this book with my girls at bed time. One of my absolute favorites when I was growing up.

632. Making up silly giggles
 One of the characters, Lasaraleen in the Horse and His Boy, supposedly has this really silly giggle. As I was reading to my girls, I tried to make a silly giggle. Then they, all FOUR of them, had to take turns making up their own version of a silly giggle.

633. Painting with my daughters
Remodeling our bathrooms inspired me to put a fresh coat of paint in our entryway and the railings along our stairs. Of course all four girls wanted to help. The littlest ones are too dangerous with a paintbrush in these circumstances for very long, but Blaze (11 years old) turned out to be a real professional painter and a huge help.

634. Carpet shampooer
In anticipation of visiting family for Stars' high school graduation, we got the house all spick and span. I purchased a carpet shampooer and started in Blaze and Dreamer's room. The girls all piled on the beds and watched me run the shampooer with intense fascination!

635. Binkies
While cleaning my room, I pulled our bed away from the wall to vacuum underneath, and discovered one of the twins' binkies (pacifier). They are six years old now, so this must be from at least 4 or 5 years ago. But oh it almost made me cry, bringing back so many memories of my tiny little babies!

636. Building a jump course
In addition to fixing the inside of our house, we also planted flowers outside and even got the horse pen all cleaned out. (Two giant belly-dump loads of manure!!!) Then Blaze took all the leftover stump not yet cut up for firewood, and extra fence rails, and designed her own jump course in our big pen. When Grandma and Grandpa and Aunt Monica and Uncle Tyler showed up, she rode Spring through her new jump course to much applause. Love her creativity. 

637. My mother's delicious cakes
 My mother made the cakes for Stars' graduation party; she is the master of delicious cakes. I thought her triple chocolate torte couldn't be beat, but her orange creamscicle cake for graduation is a new favorite!

638. Rocking horse ornaments
My mother collected rocking horse toys and ornaments, and I'm always on the look out for any to add to her collection. Without knowing that I collect these for my mom, a friend was cleaning out a storage shed and gave the girls a bunch of her old toys horses and at least 6 or 7 beautiful little rocking horses. Very pleased with the other toy horses, my girls didn't mind passing on the rocking horses to their Grandma H. 

639. Stars' high school graduation
She was four years old when she came into my life - I can hardly believe she's 18 and graduated already!

Me and my stepdaughter

Eight "B"eautiful things I've learned

Our church hosted a prayer conference/ladies' retreat at the Snowy Range Lodge, and I'm finally getting to type up some of the beautiful things I learned there.

My pastor's wife, Kristi M.,  whom I've known 18 years now, sometimes shares things that are completely new to me. She talked various fears she's faced in her life, from childhood  onward, based on one of her favorite verses, Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears." This is also one of my most beloved verses, as I found this verse 14 years ago, after directly after sharing my anxieties with God about marrying a divorced man and becoming a stepmom, and asked for confirmation that it was His will I should marry B. 

Another thing she shared that really struck me is that when she got saved at age 14, she would sit outside her parents' door at night while they were sleeping and pray for their salvation. She prayed for 17 years for her father's salvation. "He compels us to pray even when we're hopeless."  Her father did trust God and surprised her with a a visit one day, and prayed over her. Of course this gives me hope regarding my own parents. This November 2013 will mark 20 years since God revealed himself to me and  I trusted Jesus as my Savior, and 20 years I have been praying for my parents to come to know Him too.

Another lady from church who I know a little from Bible study together (Claire) shared with us, and she was such a dynamic and humble speaker, I just loved discovering this new side of her, not to mention what she shared:  Eight B's:

1.  When we take "B"aby steps toward God, God will leap toward us

2. God goes "B"eyond and above what we expect

3. He takes the "B"ad and turns it to good

4. He goes "B"eyond our belief:  He is faithful even when we doubt

5. He "B"lesses obedience

6.  He "B"lesses through perservence

7. God grows our faith "B"igger

8. We need the "B"ody of Christ

1000 gifts: learning from aftershocks

Continuing my list of gifts, blessings that I write down to remember all the wonderful things that God gives me along life's journey. I write these down on my calendar, and when I get a chance I add them here to my blog. These are all blessings from April, 2013.

609. Revelations from God at their brightest when times are the darkest
I wrote a separate post to share more details about this gift. It gives me shivers just thinking what God has shown me in the past two months, even though we've gone through some really rough times.

610. Unleashing the power of love
Not long after the revelation I wrote about in #609, God gave me yet another stunning insight. That day, my pastor preached on 1 Peter 1:22, "Since you were saved, fervently love one another"  - how we can be unbeatable in spirit when we are soaked in God's love and pouring it out on others.

Later in the evening as I was fretting over how hard it is to deal with attitude from my kids, how it brings out the worst in me and worrying about how I will ever be able to manage four girls going through the teenage attitude stage, God answered my thoughts with this: in the face of their attitude, I will pour My love through you, and you will be so full of grace it will conquer any desire to lash back at attitude; indeed it will even conquer their attitude. Instead of pushing my hurt and anger buttons, they will unleash the very love of God upon themselves. What a promise He made me that evening: I will believe that He will fulfill that promise to me!

611. Learning from aftershocks
Beginning with a terrible family blow-up at the end of the March, the next three weeks of April were one of constant emotional turmoil for B. and I. God taught me so much from it (as I've listed in gifts 609 and 610) and another blessing I've learned that when God takes the pressure off - when you sigh with relief - that the lesson isn't over yet! There are aftershocks! They come to remind you to not stop clinging to God when the pressure's off, after He's answered your prayers. This latter half of April, while my emotional turmoil was over, I found myself over-eating again, binging with relief. At first I couldn't figure out, after 3 solid months of good eating habits, life-changing new habits, I'm suddenly stumbling in this area again - not during the hard trials, but after them... but that's often when we are most vulnerable, spiritually, when we sight with relief and let our guard down.

612. Twalkers 
Blaze says "twalkers" are people who walk and text at the same time. Love it! - been guilty of it a time or two!

613. Designing Maps class
My job paid me to take a two day class on Designing Maps, since part of my work this year is making maps for a new educational atlas of Wyoming. The whole time I was taking this class I kept thinking: "I get paid to learn how to make beautiful maps? This is too cool!" My job isn't always roses, but the fact that I'm still learning new things and loving the work even after 18 years is such a blessing.

614. Shopping spree
B. took me down to Ft. Collins to buy some new clothes and take me out to dinner. I don't think he's ever offered to take me on a shopping spree before! Neither one of us are keen on shopping, but just the fact that he offered was so neat. And of course I took him up on it since I've lost 20 pounds, clothes shopping is actually fun again! I may be too old for the teen-style jeans that are covered with bling like the Miss Me brand, but I bought a pair anyway (a brand not quite as pricey as Miss Me) and I love them!

615. In-laws' 50th wedding anniversary
B.'s parents celebrated this big anniversary on April 21st, with their whole family in attendance at a beautiful lodge on Lewis & Clark Lake, South Dakota. Such a wonderful weekend! Especially so since B's mother has been fighting cancer for a year and a half now. The battle is far from over, but this weekend of celebration still felt like a victory. (Our family is on the far right, B. is the tallest handsomest one! smile! I'm wearing the orange shirt, hanging on to my twin girls, my other girls behind me with their Aunt Monica. Grandma and Grandpa are 7th and 8th from the left, back row, overwhelmed by their family!)

616. A secret place alone with God
When I went to Beth Moore's Living Proof blog on April 15 to enter my next round of verses for her scripture memory challenge, I was doubly blessed not only by the scripture but by her testimony of how God delayed her travel plans - to have an evening of undivided attention and time with her:

Our subject matter in Greensboro had revolved strongly around increasing our time in the “secret place” with Jesus. I had told them that I was exhilarated by the challenge and could not wait to get started into a deeper secrecy with Him. Let me just say, Jesus took me up on it.  Immediately. I had all evening with Him then all the next morning with Him.

Don’t you on occasion find it slack-jawing astonishing that this same Jesus seeks us out and wants to be with us? It’s happened to you just like it’s happened to me. If you’ve known Him long, you’ve unexpectedly found yourself alone and lonely only to realize that He has temporarily isolated you just to be with you. And you realize you’ve never been less alone in your life.

“He yearns jealously over the spirit that He has made to dwell in us.” James 4:5

....Sister, Jesus is hemming you in. If He’s backed you into a corner, it’s not to isolate you but to freshly exhilarate you. He loves you. He’s seeking you out. Slow down and let yourself be caught by this holy jealous-for-you love that will not let you go. We are not just tolerated. We didn’t make it in by the skin of our teeth. We have been planned for and pursued. We are the deep desire of Someone’s heart.

 Oh yes God certainly has backed up into a corner last month, and this month too... but it's been worth it. It really has. My memory verses this month:

Isaiah 40: 28-31
Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

617. Lyrics from Cannons, by Phil Wickham
We sang this at church and my heart was so full of joy and worship. Sometimes when I raise my hands Blaze will raise her hand and we hold hands together, high, for the Lord.


 It's falling from the clouds, a strange and lovely sound
I hear it in the thunder and rain
It's ringign in the skies, like cannons in the night
The music of the universe plays

You are holy, great and mighty
The moon and the stars, declare who You are
I'm so unworthy, still You love me
Forever my heart will sing of how great You are

Beautiful and free, song of galaxies
Reaching far beyond the Milky Way [love this!]
Let's join in with the sound, c'mon lets sing it out
As the music of the universe plays

Singing You are holy, great and mighty
The moon and the stars, declare who You are
I'm so unworthy, still You love me
Forever my heart will sing of You

All glory, honor, power is Yours, Amen
All glory, honor, power is Yours, Amen
All glory, honor, power is Yours, forever Amen

You are holy, great and mighty
The moon and the stars, declare who You are
I'm so unworthy, but still You love me
Forever my heart will sing of You

You are holy, great and mighty
The moon and the stars, declare who You are
I'm so unworthy, still You love me
Forever my heart will sing of how great You are

Revelations in the midst of trials

Beautiful things come out of storms

 This is directly from my journal, written April 9, 2013, after a huge blow up between two people in my family that hit me especially hard, since I love them both.

God has used the book of Job in very profound ways (it's how He showed Himself to me, when I was an unbeliever), and He continues to show me stunning things from this ancient story:

Job begged for God to answer him and defend him, and to know why these awful things had happened to him even though he had always served God faithfully.

When God finally did answer, he didn't answer any of Job's questions. He revealed Himself to Job in three chapters of the most intense and vivid revelations, in His own words, in the entire Bible. Job chapters 38-41 is the longest speech ever shared by God directly to mankind. 

He didn't explain why but  He answered with even more wondrous revelations.

And so it is with this trial: I am asking God to bring healing; and He isn't. But what is He bringing instead? Intense and vivid revelations of Himself, drawing into greater, stunning knoweldge of Him: moment of His presence that fill me wonder.

It's worth it! This trial is worth it.

The emotional turmoil is still there, endlessly nipping at my heels, but it's worth it.

Job 42:1-5  Job replied to the Lord: I know that ou can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. You asked "Who is this who obscures my plans without knowledge?" Surely I spoke of things I did not understand; things too wonderful for me to know .... my ears had heard of You, but now my eyes have seen You.

Seven words to change your family

I have been reading so many good books lately, and they deserve some attention here on my blog. Last fall I encountered my first James MacDonald book, "Lord Change My Attitude" through my womens' Bible study, and then this spring we read two more of his, "Seven Words to Change Your Family" and "Gripped by the Greatness of God."

I want to write about all three of them but I'll start with "Seven Words to Change Your Family." I actually finished reading this in February, but this month we ran smack into a big family upheaval, so I figured it would be good to go back and review this and write down some important principles.

There are three healing words: forgiveness, blessing, honor; three building words:  truth, church, commitment  and one transforming word, love.

MacDonald has the gift for getting right to the heart of the matter; and his Bible study is both incisive and yet accessible. Some of his words, like forgiveness and love are obvious; but he pointed out some things about the process of forgiveness that I hadn't realized - it really is an ongoing process, not just a one time event. 

Some of his other words I hadn't really thought about before, like what it means to as an adult to honor our parents, or what it means to bless our children. 

In blessing our children, the author uses the example of Isaac and Jacob blessing their sons, and from other biblical examples he shows how to speak words of affection, words of reconciliation, words of vision "you're going to make a difference in this world", and words of security.

We need to be pouring a spiritual vision into our children. We don't want them to just get by; we want them to be the super conquerors that Christ Jesus has created them to be. A spiritual vision. "You are going to walk with God. You're going to be a godly man or woman. God is going to use your life."

And:

...When the blessing is given, a child emerges into adulthood able to answer to the three most important questions in life: 1. Who am I? (a question of identity) 2. Why am I here? (a question of security) 3. Where am I going? (a question of confidence)

Matt 3:16-17 tells us that the heavens were opened and the Spirit of God descended in the form of a dove. And a voice came from heaven, saying, "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased." Isn't that great? God the Father Himself modeled the importance of affirmation.

Another part that really struck me; this is from the chapter on truth.

We only get so many words in our families. The older our kids get, the fewer words we have with them. What are you going to spend your words on? "clean up your room!" "I asked you five times to take out the garbage!" Is that how you are going to spend your words? Like that's going to have a big impact! I fear we're wasting our words on issues of little value, and then we're too exhausted to pour into our families the kind of truth that can be fountain of life to them. Instead, let's choose words of truth that build and guide and that establish a foundation of wisdom.

Lord, keep me from wasting my words with my kids! Right now they will listen to me when I talk about You - when I talk about anything. When they are older, I know they won't listen or if they do they won't value what I say as much. This something we're we're facing right now:

Then there's the opposition of emotional distance. Perhaps you have teenagers who call you uncool and unloving, and they won't see for many years the values of the truths on which you are building your family and refusing to compromise. I plead with you not to back down, no matter ho many hurtful words they say or rolled eyes you must endure. In the major things, do what's right even if it sets off a war in your home. Draw the line. When your kids become adults and are raising their own kids, they will know that you did what was best for them

Here's a principle I really want to teach my kids:

Every time God says "Don't" - as in "Don't harbor unforgiveness" what He's saying is "Don't hurt yourself." In other words, when you choose to sin, you choose to suffer.

...My capacity to forgive is directly related to my comprehension of how much God loves me. When my concept of God is very small, my capacity to love others is very small as well.... so often I see that the Lord's people need to have a breakthrough in their understanding. God doesn't love like our parents. God doesn't love according to our human experiences. God loves fully and unconditionally. That's what we're after.

...Periodically, I will invite the perfect people in our church to stand, and thus far we have found none. We are all fallen people, not just in principle but in practice (James 3:2 "We all stumble in many ways"

Another thing I want to do in my family, create a poster that hangs in a prominent place in our house, like the author's house,  that displays our 5 most important family principles:

1) Love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind (Matt 22:38)

2) Love your neighbor as yourself  (Matt 22:39) and your closest neighbors are your family. "We are together in this, and we'll get through this together"

3) Work hard, without complaining for the glory of God (Philippians 2:14 and Colossian 3:17)

4) Always tell the truth and seek to learn God's truth (2 Tim 3:16,17)

5) Be kind and compassionate to one another (Ephesians 4:32)

The section on honoring our parents was unexpectedly heartbreaking. The author shared several letters that brought tears to my eyes, first of callous and neglectful treatment of aging parents by their adult children, and one by a man who took the time to thank his parents and spend extra time with them, and was so thankful he did because his mother died unexpectedly shortly afterward. The book also includes a tribute that James wrote himself to his parents. 

Some more quotes:

You are not standing for the truth unless you are doing so at the specific point where the truth is being resisted.... you can be standing for the truth in fifteen different places, but if you are conceding at the very point of oppositon, you are not building your home on truth. 

...God's Word has never been tried and found lacking. Never! However, it has often been found difficult and therefore not tried. 

... It is absolutely vital for us to understand that truth is most powerfully taught in the context of relationship.

One last excellent thing, this from the chapter on commitment:

Commitment is the defining characteristic of a person's life...there are people who keep their commitments and there are people who don't. It's the watershed issue. Which person are you?