A few frustrated words I spoke on Friday have snowballed and turned into a battlefield. I'm trying to keep the battle in my mind and not let it spill out on other people around me. All Friday and Saturday, almost every minute, frustration would hit me again and again. If I let it, it would take me down dark paths of anger and vengefulness. "If ____ does this, then I'll do that. I can't put up with this anymore." Two possible paths lie before me: one looks exhausting and frustrating, the other looks laden with guilt and regret. When I'm not fretting with anger, I'm fretting with fear.
Then I would realize I didn't want to go down those dark paths, not even in my mind. Come on, Lord, rescue me from this anger and fear. Help me take my thoughts captive to obedience in Christ. Help me pray about this situation instead of fretting over it. "Pray hardest when it is hardest to pray." This saying is so true!!!
Even when I would pick up a really good book to read to distract myself, little pieces of frustration would still pop up like weeds between the words I was reading. I would find myself arguing (with myself) about all the reasons why I was right, why I had to Do something to CONTROL the situation before I ended up even more miserable.
Then this saying by Abraham Lincoln reminded me that MY definition of "right" is not what matters. It's doesn't help to keep thinking of reasons to justify your side of the argument. I need to put God first, for He knows much more than I, He can see the big picture that I can't see in my own narrow sight.
This is exactly what happened: I lost patience with someone, which resulted in angry words, followed by her angry reaction and then refusal to talk anymore, resulting in more hurt and anger on my side.
Remembering how patient God has been with me through my stubborn times put it back into perspective.
"In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them, anyway."
I found these images on Pinterest this morning, and never was there a more timely discovery. I have no doubt that God put them there for me to find. Reading them was like having a sudden cool rain fall in the midst of a burning desert.
So I know there is still a long battle ahead of me. This problem isn't going to just go away (unless I am completely awful and drive someone far enough away I don't have to deal with it directly but I'll still have to deal with guilt and long-term repercussions). But with many battles we face - hurt feelings, meanness, unfairness at work or other situations, etc - how much relief it would be if we just stood still and let God take over and fight for us?? So often I don't do this because I can't see God fighting for me. I live by sight instead of by faith.
2 Corinthians 5:7 We live by faith, not by sight.
I have felt the same way at times!! A couple of years ago I wrote a friend a letter that she completely misunderstood and the end result was a breaking of our friendship. I think she was so angry and then I got angry at HER anger...it was a mess...we are still estranged but I had to come to the place where after I've reached out MANY times via emails, letters, cards, (she moved out of state so that made it doubly difficult)i had to leave it in God's hands. THe hard part for me was the rage I felt at being misunderstood yet I had to speak Truth. It was a risk. Sadly, I truly believed that God had brought us together to be friends but she wasn't at the place of forgiveness and letting go. I now just pray for her and hope someday she will truly get past it. I love the verse We Live by Faith not by sight. I cling to that OFTEN!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing. I think most of us have had a falling out with a friend or family member, I'm not sure what hurts more: when you stay bitter, or when you genuinely try to make things right out of a loving heart and get rejected.
DeleteThe person in question called me last night and I apologized for my harsh words and she ALSO apologized for what had hurt me, and I think there was real healing, oh PRAISE you LORD! I so, so, so thankful for answered prayers, and so quickly, too. I had thought this would drag out for a while, and He was merciful.
Oh friend ... we have all been in this place ... it's a hard walk - but it sounds like your heart is sensitive to hear your Father speak in the midst of it ... may He walk you through to restoration ... whether with your 'friend' or just with you mind :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for pointing out sometimes God leads us to restoration in our minds, and not always with the other person involved. Thank you for your encouraging words!
DeleteWonderful post - loved how you are working through your feelings and trying so hard to do what's right. God is very obviously helping you. Praying and thanking God for peace in all areas of your heart, mind, soul and relationships right now. Blessings upon you!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your prayers!!! I was feeling God's peace in the situation, though from time to time I would still worry a little that I hadn't heard from the person in question yet, not returning my call and offer to apologize. Then she called last night and we worked things out - had a great talk, actually, more than I hoped for!!! God is so good.
DeleteSuch wisdom in this post. This is something I really needed to read, and its put something that's been weighing on my mind back into perspective. This especially helped me: In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them, anyway." Thank you :)
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